SAHM

By Friday, my emotional tank is empty.

Triple S got a job offer.

He told me when he came home. After three or four hours of holding a fussy baby.

Now he is po'd at me because I didn't react 'happy enough'.

Sorry dude, you didn't come home early enough. I used up all my energy not screaming in frustration at your daughter.

So now I am getting the silent treatment.

Memory

As I was nursing Beanie to sleep this afternoon, I started thinking back to my pregnancy with her. I can't remember much. I remember going to the chiropractor two times a week and, since I worked at home, wearing yoga pants most of the pregnancy. But those are facts, not feelings. I don't remember what my belly felt like, or what it felt like to carry her. I don't remember the feelings of her kicks.

With Serenity, the pregnancy is all I had. And I remembered and replayed so many of the details of the pregnancy in my mind. But even that seems to be fading too - I can still remember her kicks in the upper left of my stomach.

I guess this is what is 'supposed' to happen. You get so busy with the little babe, and everything changes all the time. You forget the pregnancy, the pain of labor, the difficulties in the early weeks. Otherwise, it's hard to have kids again. And I suppose that is what made Beanie's pregnancy difficult emotionally, that I remembered so much of Serenity's - especially how it went all so terribly wrong.

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All's well

Everything was fine at last week's appointment.

I think I am now officially sleeping more than the dog. But feeling better...

My lower belly is getting big - I can tell the difference! Beanie is growing!

Hoping to have more energy soon - no extra for blog reading.

Thanks for checking in.

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ONE

Bea's birthday is this weekend.

I have been so busy, I haven't even had time to process it.

We had a big party lat weekend, with my parents and sister in town, and my ILs here and staying through this week.

Sunday we are going to CA to introduce Beanie to her great-grandmother.

I want to write Beanie a love letter, and tell her all the things that she does now and that she is to me. And I will bake her a cake.  And she has some presents to open. And I plan to kiss her plump cheeks a thousand times*. And the camera will come out.

But somehow, tonite, given a few seconds to think about it, it feels kinda anticlimatic.

Should I be gnashing my teeth because Serenity is not here? Should I be bouncing off the walls because I've managed to keep Beanie alive?

Or, does a day on a calendar not really matter when every day is important?


*normal days it's probably 999 times.

Thumpity Thumpity

The little bean has got a heartbeat!

We had the ultrasound and first doctor's appointment this week. I saw the heartbeat even on the external u/s, before the tech even said.

I was numb that day.

We met with another doctor in the MFM practice. He mentioned that we would be doing kickcounts later on. Finally, a doctor that thinks these might help! Why not the regular, old, non-high-risk doctors???

We have another appointment in two weeks. A crazy level of care.

Leavetakings and GFCF Ozark Apple Pudding

At six o'clock this morning, I used up some apples that were past their prime for eating fresh in a modified version of the 'Ozark Apple Pudding' from the 'Farm Journal's Great Home Cooking in America' Cookbook. Gluten-Free, Grain-Free, Dairy-Free recipe to follow.

Triple S woke up at 4 this morning to don his suit and head to the airport. His flight was at 6. Off for his first job interview.  I got up to see him off. Actually, I wanted to check him out in his new suit. I'd hire him. Hopefully this hospital is a good fit. He should call sometime this evening.

I went back to bed after I watched his car pull away. But, Bea woke up at 5:30. Usually we let her crawl around the bed, the bedroom, she crawls back into bed for some milk. It's miserable. We don't sleep well, but we don't want to get out of bed. Today I just bite the bullet.

And was thus baking before breakfast time.

Bea and I went to the library's 'Baby Bookworms' at 10. It was fun to sing songs and see the other kids. The moms are all nice and want the kids to play together. Most of the times when I go to the Y the moms are just into their own things. Puzzles me.

I completed the second step in the purge of the house today. I got rid of my record collection!  :(  Oh, sorry, I mean :).  I got $5. For 16 albums of the 60s and 70s, like John Denver, Seals and Crofts, Janis Joplin, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and some classical music. Even if I had bought all the records at $1 (most of them I did), I had more money in them that five bucks! Anyway, I need to simply. Simplify. Next to go is the half-broken record player.

And, no, with that list I am not dating myself! I was just born (again?) in the wrong decade. Maybe I died early in my previous life and liked all the music. Or maybe it's just because we grew up listening to Jim Croce and John Denver...

So, here's my recipe. If I make this again, I would probably leave out the sugar and use an extra piece of fruit that went through the food processor. I had been planning to mix in some spice, but forgot (It was 6 am!) so I sprinkled cinnamon-sugar on top.

GFCF Ozark Apple Pudding

1 c sugar
3 small eggs
1.5 tsp vanilla
1/3 c almond meal
1 T baking powder
1/8 tsp salt
3 c chopped apples
1 processed apple
1/2 c chopped black walnuts
1/2 c processed walnuts

Beat sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Stir in almond meal, baking powder, salt, apples and nuts. Spread into greased 9 x 9 pan.  Sprinkle cinnamon-sugar mix on top.
Bake at 350 F for 30 min.


Should I admit that the whole thing will be finished in about an hour? Whoops, I just did!  I wouldn't feel a shred of guilt eating it all if it didn't have the sugar in it. It was yummy. Reminded me of bread pudding, which I haven't eaten in about 15 years :(

Etsy

Surfing Etsy tonight for two Christmas ornaments - one for Serenity and one for Beanie.

Vastly different sentiments.

it approaches

February 6th.

I took off the day at work.

So far, that is the only plan.

I guess we'll bake something.

Two years.

Lacking
Missing
Aching
Hurting
Healing
Loving

I am back home

I got discharged from the hospital yesterday (yipee) and reunited with my baby.

Bea wasn't allowed to visit cause of germs at the hospital. Which was a good precaution, because the entire division staff was passing around a 24-h stomach flu. I was the paranoid lady with wet wipes. But not sick!!

Hopitla was traumatic experience all the way around. Maybe will tell you all about it later, but probably just let that water flow under the bridge becuase I have much more iportant things to do and think about.

I dont think I told ya'll that we had four days of steriods (dexamethasone) to help mature B's lungs pre-induction (and moved inducation back one day). Turns out, moms can react to the steroids ONE WEEK later, seemingly out of the blue. This appears to be what happened to me - I had an emotional and mental reaction to hte combination of the steroids before birth and the lack of sleep. The hospital fixed me all up and npw I have one medication to take for a few months.

My friend did a search of pubmed (god, i love having scientist friends, and being a scientist myself) and found some literature on this phenom. So, if someone needs to take steroids, email me at that time and I will forward the paper(s) (dont have them yet).

The hospital was unable to get me a breast pump for a few days (wrong ward - lots of confusion; no one's fault), so breastfeeding is a bit mixed up right now. Plus, I want to wait at leat 4 hours after taking my sleeping pill to feed. My mom is doing two-three feedings with formula. Right now they are both dozing on the couch. I apprecaite the quiet time beacuse I really needed to write here in my space and know that my dbms are out there in the interents. I am feeling much more relaxed now.

So, what advice on reestablishing BFing? We had only just got the hang of it and my milk was established. Now it is low, but not gone. B is a bit hard on my nipples, let's say that is nipple ocnfusion. I am nursing constatnly now, hopefully that will get milk flowing again.

My old school paretns are driving me crazy. My mom did not BF, but my MIL did - she is my go-to-BF person. But my dad wants to quantitate my breast milk by pumping and then measuring!!! ARGH! He needs a project to get him out of my hair.

ok more later, i have som much i need to get out and express and process. but now, i here some little tiger grunting and must MUST go take a shower.

xo
a

Four

Four.

It is a hole, and it is not. 
A space filled with unfulfilled dreams.
A void of love.

Our daily lives are so busy now, with your little sister. I feel your absence, see it when I see how she enjoys playing with other kids. Older kids, drawn to that big sister with whom she cannot play.  When I read about craft ideas that she's not ready for yet, but that would be perfect for you. When I see a butterfly, a bird, a bee. Or feel the sun or the wind. When I breathe.

I see how happy your sister is in her innocence, not knowing what happened to us before she came along. I hope she never knows that pain.

We miss you. Maybe we don't talk about you enough.

We will mark this day. We will have cake. We celebrate the time we had together and the love for you that we have for always.

xoxo Serenity xoxo