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Five Days til Christmas

and we wanted to wish you and yours a peaceful and wonderful holiday!

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The secret is out?

I think it is becoming apparent to those around me that I am pregnant. A couple of the volunteers the other day were giving me weird looks. I guess it should be obvious, considering it's now five months. It makes me nervous to think about having to talk to all these people about this pregnancy, these people who didn't know me until months after Serenity had died, don't know that I lost a my first daughter, that I had a d&c a week before starting this part-time job. And now, I am afraid, it will be open season on Ya Chun's body, lifestyle, shopping choices etc. I only have a few coworkers, who are mostly kinda in the know, but I have about 20 different voulunteers, many of whom like to over-share. I don't reciprocate the over-sharing tendancies. Let's hope it is a really really busy day with lots of guests coming in asking gardening questions on Thursday!

Yesteday and today my girlie parts are all achy and hurting. I guess my pelvis is rearranging.

Beanie - please stop rearranging mama's furniture please - she kinda needs to be able to walk.

I can't stand up or sit down. I am fine in one place, but not hte transition. Also, now I am walking around like a geisha girl, with tiny little steps trying not to get anything out of place.

I have been feeling Beanie move. Last night she was clunking around int here for a good while. It makes me happy.

The last week I have had a general sense of well-being. It's kinda nice - I forgot what this felt like. I think I was depressed at the onset of the pregnancy - I was like an invalid, between the morning sickness, exhaustion and back pain. The chiropractor is making progress on the back, which helps, and it was actually sunny here for a few days, which really helped. And, Beanie makes me happy, especially now that I can feel her and we had a good ultrasound. And I know that it's a girl. I like knowing, I guess it makes it more real to me.

Well, that was a bit of a ramble - can I blame it on pregnancy brain?

De-shtuff

I am about 75% recuperated from my cold. It's been more than two weeks...

My sister is here for her spring break. My ILs arrive tomorrow and my parents on Thursday.  We have a big BIG birthday bash planned for Bea on Saturday.

And I have editing work coming out of the woodwork!

For the second half of March, Bea and I will be flying out on three separate trips.

I am tired just thinking about it all!

How many kids do you have?

I am raising one daughter.

?

I heard someone say yesterday that he raised three daughters. I think that might be my new answer.

Let them wonder, and possibly ask, about the others. Was I a bad mother, and they were taken away to foster care? Did one die? Maybe they won't even notice the particular phrasing.

New Year's Eve 2010

Or is it 2011? It's still an evening in 2010, so....


I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I have desires towards self-improvement throughout the year. Do I ever make any progress? I don't know. I do have some projects to start in January, some goals for the next few months, some big unknowns upon the horizon.

***

I'd like to post more here.

~Some of it is writer's block, some of it is legistics with the kiddo and computer time. I could spend more time on the computer, but I think I should play with her, although now she likes to crawl around by herself and get into trouble.  Sometimes I feel like I don't have many commenters anymore, although I am not really sure that the number of comments is lower than it usually was. I feel like I used to get 10-12 comments on most posts, now more like 6. So, if you'd like to see more posts - leave more comments! I know that we have all gone through many changes since I started writing and you started reading this blog. I know I don't get to stay caught up as much as I'd like to in reading other blogs. I do *think* of many blog posts.

***

I am working on Beanie's scrapbook. With my sister here I have gotten three pages done so far, hopefully another tonite after dinner. I hope to use the scrapping momentum to work on Serenity's album, which is much harder to do. But I feel like I am regaining my scrapbook groove a bit.

***

I am contemplating doing a daily line, inspired by this page: http://www.herfiveyeardiary.com/ This might help with the lack of blogging too - I can easily jot down a line in a paper book - right?? Right???  Then I can conglomerate lines into a post, right?

***
January has two main projects:
1- get back on the healthy living - moderate the diet and get Beanie reacclimated to going to the tot watch at the Y so I can exercise. By March I'd like to be down another 10-15 pounds (and that is the end goal!).
2- get back to work after a holiday break - I already have one job sitting in my queue!

***

We are going to be *those* parents and plan a big bash for Beanie's 1st birthday. It will probably double as a going away party:

***
This year - big unknowns:

Triple S getting a job, somewhere, sometime this summer, which will lead to a relocation sometime, somewhere. Hopefully with a paid moving package hat includes packing!

Other than that, I want to have a nice 2001. Just nice. It's going to be stressful, with the cross country move and accompanying uprooting. So it won't be peaceful in many ways, but I hope that it is emotionally peaceful.

And I hope that you all have good years too.

A book recommendation: "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair"

I found out just how much I miss reading.

I grabbed the very short "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair - My Year of Magical Reading" off the 'new book' library rack as I juggled "How Do Dinosaurs Play with their Dogs," "Atrapados" and a large arm-full of other toddler books. I didn't really know what it was about, but I had seen that it was November's book at our UU. I figured September gave me plenty o' time to get it finished.

This book turned out to be well-timed for me, almost five years out from Serenity's death.

The author lost her adult sister, who was 46. She talks about the three years spent trying to live enough life for two and trying to be the everything for everybody. When she realized that this wasn't working, she returned to her life-long love of reading, which she shared with not only her sister but her whole family.

She interweaves the story of her family, her sister's death, and stories from the 365 books she read in one year. The books was full of wonderfully insightful quotes on grief, resilience, and human nature.

The author reminded me how much I loved reading, the escape, the exploration of your thoughts, the refection of the commonalities between us all.

And I realized that maybe I had not turned to reading books during my intense years of grief, but to reading your words and adding my own to the lexicon of grief. That my journey was validated by reading about your journeys. That my heart was stitched up by your support and by being there to support you. I didn't take a year to sit in a purple chair and read a book a day, but spent countless hours at my computer reading the blogs.

And I could not have found a better way to walk through death's long shadow than with your company. For this - your presence, your openness, your kindnesses - I am grateful.

***

And now, I think these crazy thoughts like reading a book, a, um, week. Yeah, a book or short story a week.

So my aim is to avoid the lighthearted escapism books or SciFi/fantasy that I often read and find good, short fiction, new or old, that is about the human experience. I photocopied Nina Sankovitch's list. I started in the "A's" at the library and picked out a skinny book that had a decent teaser. And we'll see where this goes.

If you are so inclined, pick up a copy of "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair" and join me on another (continuing) journey.

I'd also love to hear your recommendations.