On Minimalishism

I came across the term 'Minimalish' yesterday. I think that better describes my simplification efforts. I'll never get down to 100 things. I doubt I'll even get down to 1000!

Last week I got rid of two bags of old clothes to Remains.  They were to damaged to go to Goodwill.

Today I am donating 6 bags to Children's Homes Services. They called ME to do a pickup! How did they know???? So it prompted me to get rid of a bunch of stuff that was on my out list, like my old record player (since I got rid of my records, what do I need a record player for?), a backpack carrier someone gave us, stuffed animals with eyes that people gave us for Bea (heeeelloooo?), some clothes she was grown out of, all of our plastic sports bottles (we switched to Siggs two years ago or so) and some other random stuff. It's taking up 1/4 of the front porch! That's a lot of stuff OUT THE DOOR!

***

This last week Bea has been so happy. There has been just a big change in her. She is outgoing and exploring more in strange places.

It's been sunny and warm here, and I am sure that is a contributing factor. I am feeling happier, and really hoping we are through the worst of winter. It was a cold one this year.

Wewent to the Botanical Garden on Sunday. Beanie was waving at everything and eerybody - including the plants.  We skipped the indoor orchid show since it was so nice outside. The witch hazels were in bloom - one of my favorite!

Monday we went to Baby Bookworms at the library, and Bea just enjoyed herself! She was trying to get to the book that the librarian was reading and crawling around and interacting with the other babies. She fell asleep in the car, so I went to our large city park to edit while she slept. When she woke up we went to the zoo. We saw the chimps enjoying the sun just like us. But, honestly, I think she likes the Botanical Garden better. She didn't wave at any of the animals. That's my girl!

Tuesday we were walking to the YMCA, but Bea fell asleep in the stroller, so we sat in the park and I read a book on Montessori. When she woke up we went to the playground. I sat her on the gym, and we met a little boy about her age. She also went on the swing.

Wednesday we went to La Leche League meeting. The moms sit in a circle in a church nursery (in the little kiddie chairs, comfortable it is not!). The wee babies stay in mothers' arms, the ones 6 mos + play inside the circle, and the older kids play on the other side of the room where all the toys are. At one point, Bea looked over where the bigger kids were creating mayhem, and I told her *I* wasn't ready for her to go ver there (There's older siblings in the 4-5 age range and they were wound up). But, then again later Bea looked over and tried to exit the circle of chairs, so I let her go. She played over there with many toys quite happily for a good long time. *I* kept looking over my shoulder for her.  I wanted to be sure that the older kids were being careful with a baby over there. Pretty soon, I fear, I won't be able to say she is the baby. She will be one of the rough and tumble toddlers.

I am glad she is feeling more secure and can venture out. This bodes well for me leaving her at the tot watch at the YMCA, so I can go work out.

Today is the last day of her 10th month. It's been a whirlwind. I am happy that she is growing and progressing and learning and changing, but it is happening all a little too fast for this mama.

***

As you can see, we've been quite busy with this wonderful weather, hence the lack of posting. Today we will just take a walk around our neighborhood park and maybe play in the front yard. I need to cut back the old perennials, which did not get done int he fall as I usually do. Babies really interrupt gardening...

***

Yesterday I had the thought to get the LLL leader training. The leaders of our group are really wonderful and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to train with them. One of the places that Triple S is interviewing seems to have less LLL groups. I'll have to research the breastfeeding rates there. It's a more conservative part of the country, so I imagine breastfeeding in public is seriously frowned upon.

I'll have to seriously consider this over the net few days, how it fits into the next year, the next five and after that.

Stats

Baby:
4 mos
25 inches
15 lb 2 oz
75th percentile for length and weight

Mama:
um, lots of months
5'7"
153 lbs today, after lunch! This is four pounds less than I started Serenity's pregnancy. I haven't weighed this for probably four years. It's feeling pretty good losing this weight. I am losing at least a pound a week.

Bea and I went to the Y today. I had to leave her at the tot watch. It was hard. Hard. I never thought (at least before Serenity) that I would be *that* overprotective mother. But here I am, finding it difficult to leave her upstairs with a bunch of strangers while I am in the pool.

But when I went up after my swim, there she was, sitting in a lady's lap, looking intently at the other kids. This social time is good for her.

Tomorrow we will go to the tots open gym. She might do some tummy time, a lot of baby watching and mama hopefully will get to social with other new moms. I really am hoping to find other SAHMs in the neighborhood, which just hasn't happened on our walks around the park.

Letting go...

Positive vs Negative

A few other dbm bloggers have been listing their positives each week or setting goals and updating their progress. I struggle to think of positive things in my life. Maybe I am hard-wired for the negative.
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took.  It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.

I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.

Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.

My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.

I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.

It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals.  (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?

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Mother's Day

Serenity's face is fading from my memory.

I try to hold on to the details. To the overall.

It slips away still.

I try to hold in my mind the differences between the sisters.

But those distinctions are illusive to me.

Bea fills my heart and my time, yet thoughts of Serenity remain. I miss her more and more, never less.

***
I wish you all peace, love and goodness this day. And remember, you are all goodness.

If

2 1/2 Years.

Woulda. Coulda. Should be.


Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.

I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.

My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.

It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.

I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.

The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.

Snow bound

Since we have been staying home this week, there's been no car rides for good naps. So, the last three days I have 'recreated' the carseat (which puts her to sleep sometimes before I even have her strapped in!) by putting the bouncy seat back into commission - I have it on our bog coffee table, sitting next to me and facing the window so she can see the light and sky - just like the back window of the car. Today, she fussed a bit for only a few minutes and zonked out! Why didn't I think of this MONTHS ago!?!

***

Triple S and I did a little goal exercise last night. I had asked him a week or so ago about it, he forgot, I asked him again and it was like the first time he had heard the idea! But I used the 'new year' card. He actually ended up liking it, we got to discuss or ideas/hopes/dreams about the move. I told him I had been reading these minimalist things and wanted him to know so he knew where I was getting all these 'weird' ideas from. It was good. I jotted notes - so we can remember!

***

In pursuant with my goal to get rid of at least a few things every week, I've got a plastic grocery bag of clothes to go to Remains and a paper bag of clothing and hair accessories (haven't seen my new haircut yet?) to go to consignment. Remains is a cool business. They'll take old clothes, sell them locally if 'good' enough, and trickle down through selling internationally to developing countries. If the cloth (they take all cloth, like linen, upholstery, curtains) is not good enough for that, they recycle the fibers. So, I send my stained or other bad stuff there.

***

I dusted Serenity's shelf today. That frees up some time for me on Sunday. I think I will finally sit and read some of 'They Were Still Born.' I am thinking that the essays don't need read in order? I am not sure which I will read; maybe one of the authors that I am not familiar with.  I haven't felt like I had the space to read in this book yet, but I want to take some time for it.

***

Hm, I have a chiropractor appt. tonite. That means I have to leave the house and go into the cold. Brr.  It's been nice hibernating this week. I think I needed it, emotionally and house chore wise. Outings with Bea take a lot of time and energy. The house is feeling so much more peaceful.

V-Day

Triple S just showed me the valentine he got for Bea. So cute.

breaks my heart

that this is the first year we bought a valentine for a little girl

***

My hairdresser asked me today if we will have another, because it's not good for Bea to be an only child.

But she isn't.

But she is. Alone.

***

And, no, I am not really feeling like being pregnant again. Although I loved being pregnant and never had 'bad' symptoms, it's just too overwhelmingly stressful to even think about it.

***

I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with love, and chocolate.

Freaky Friday

Today I met a mama for a playdate. We had both joined a meetup group at about the same time, and I saw by her profile that her son was about the same age as Beanie. Her profile seemed cool enough, so I contacted her directly to see if she would like to meetup.  Today we met at this old mall that has only a few stores and art space. It's a good place for walkers. It's a bit weird to be in a mostly empty mall. Freaky you might say.

As we were taking the kids' coats off, we find out that her son and Beanie were born on the same day. He was late, and we kicked Beanie out early. But, the same day. Freaky.

As we walked and talked, I found out that she lost her twin boys at 20 weeks due to twin-to-twin transfusion.  What a chance meeting. And sometimes loss is... everywhere.

We talked easily and comfortably. This is the first time I have connected with a person IRL for some time. I am not sure we left anything to talk about at our meetup next week. Nothing was uncomfortable or forced.

We FaceBook friended each other to more easily plan playdates. On her profile: her birthday is the same day as mine. Super Freaky.

Her son and Bea were really cute together. He's already walking. Poor little Bea. Those three gestational weeks..... well, I know that's not really true and that kids develop at their own pace blah blah blah.

I just hope she doesn't turn out to be a psychopath! No, I'm sure she's fine....

Triple S asked me when her husband's birthday was....

To post or not to post

that is the question.

In many ways life is mundane, but it is also a tempest.

When I moved, I thought of picking up blogging again, but I wanted to spend time meeting people here.  But I still spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer, on FB, reading parenting blogs and Montessori blogs.

I could right a blog about life. Or not.

So inspiring, right?

I was happy to receive so many comments on such an abandoned blog -  readers have not abandoned me and are obviously still caught up on their reading. My Google Reader is hopeless. I have too many blogs in there that aren't of interest (quilting?).

I also seem to have lost my voice. Or maybe my focus. I am also not sure how much I want to post about Beanie and her life. It's her life after all. I rarely even post on FB anymore. I know it's a new age, but those are her choices.

I suppose what I lack most in life right now is someone with whom to share deeply. I have acquaintances here, but playdates are not conducive to long, linear talks.  And I am not sure how much I want to share with the whole world wide web (or the 20 people that look here).

But I remember that connection I had with you... reading your blogs, reading comments, writing my deepest and ofttimes most compulsive thoughts. Processing. Sharing. Remembering.

I've also developed a bit of an avoidance coping strategy. No new dead baby blogs, because I just can't take it. I'm not proud of it, I feel like I should repay our community and be there for our sisters.

But I have taken from this blogging world knowledge. Knowledge of everything that can and too often does go wrong. And I am more delicate in asking questions and try to avoid making assumptions. At least I hope so.

And I try to keep conversation open. If someone wants to talk to me about infertility or loss, I like to think that I give off the right vibes and say the right things ('I am sorry to hear that.' AND STOP. JUST STOP!) And I don't deny Serenity.

Those chiding "When will you give little Beanie a brother or sister?" are often answered with, "She has a big sister who died in 2008," cue demure, downcast look (And the 'Shut the F up' in my head) or the "We are only raising one." 

I know who we are, where we've been, but we don't know what may be.