Friday 28 June 2013

Leaving

I have a great deal of anxiety over leaving this town, leaving the people that saw our happiness and our pain, that know what it means when I look at a gaggle of three-year-old girls. And leaving my garden that makes me think of Serenity. I see her in many places around my neighborhood, the local park, the botanical garden. What will I do when I am living in a town that doesn't hold physical memory triggers of her? Not think of her as often?

Janis had an excellent post about moving. I am dreading leaving my comfort zone and entering the unfamiliar.

What if I hated it here? Or, what if Triple S had found a job here, would I find that I didn't really want to stay?

I am trying to release my anxiety and embrace the adventure.  And the two important things will be going with me, Triple S and Beanie.

Wednesday 26 June 2013

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Monday 24 June 2013

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Thursday 20 June 2013

'Childism' - As Utterly Unacceptable as Sexism and...

The Mule: 'Childism' - As Utterly Unacceptable as Sexism and...: In the past few decades, mankind has had to shake up their attitudes about a number of things. It is no longer considered to be 'ok' to degr...

Sunday 16 June 2013

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Friday 14 June 2013

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Wednesday 12 June 2013

Holiday Ornament Swap

We received our ornaments today from Jenni and her family!

Lovely! We can't wait to get the tree up and hang our ornaments. I'll try to get pics up at that time.

Thank you so much Jenni.

And thanks for organizing the swap too!

Sunday 9 June 2013

Monthly post

It seems I am not posting that often....

I have been busy. My freelance business has been steady lately, so all of Beanie's naptime goes to mama making money, and, sadly, not blogging.

I am feeling much healthier lately too. I am going to the gym three days a week. I was going four, but Bea gets very fussy at the tot watch. The classes are timed during her nap or something. We stayed at home for a week, not going to the gym in the morning, and I tried to figure out what it is that she needs at 10 -11 am, and I don't actually exactly know! She's kinda fussy, kinda sleepy. Not hungry. So, I started back to the gym. I think she is getting better, she watches the other kids play more now. The other two days, one is for walking around the park and one is for running errands.

I've lost about 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I'd like to loose another 15-17 lbs - hopefully I can do that over the winter.

I baked my first loaf of bread for the season. Fall is here! Fresh baked bread - not good for the weight-losing. But oh so yummy.

More so than just losing weight, I feel healthier. The chiropractic adjustments I get every three weeks are the main reason for that (this is down from 2x per week!!). My back has been really locked up for over a decade. I should have gotten chiro looong time ago. Who knew?!?!? I really couldn't exercise because I was in so much pain. Now I have much better range of motion. My back and hips feel stronger and more stable.

I am glad to say that I am off my meds from my post-partum psychosis. Yes, as if having a dead baby is not enough fun for a lifetime, I had a major post-partum episode after Beanie was born. I spent 3 or 4 days in the hospital, separated from my little girl, feeling rather traumatized.

Beanie is doing well and is the light of my life (sorry Triple S). She just turned six months last week. We took her for portraits - they turned out better than I expected!

After seeing Beanie's pictures, I decided that I want to get some pictures for Serenity's third birthday.  We have a crystal butterfly - I was thinking to put that on a stand with three flowers, and have Beanie looking at it - not at the camera. Is that weird?

When I actually pause long enough to think about how old Serenity would be, it boggles my mind. A two-and-a-half year old? Wow. And then I think, when do I want to try for another? How close all these pregnancies have been/will maybe be. Then, I think, do I even want to risk trying for another. What if it doesn't happen, what if something bad happens. To even dare to think about it feels risky.

Beanie fascinates me. I just watch her, and most everything she does is *amazing*! I want her to feel loved and supported, but I guess I have to watch myself. I think this 'attachment parenting' stuff really works. I feel really attached to Bea!

Oh, wait, the kid is supposed to feel attached to me? Oh, it's the other way around? Hmph. Well, I have to say, I think it's working both ways. I have to tell you two things that she does now (they're *amazing*). When I come to her and put my hands out and say 'Come to mama?' She either waves her arms and kicks her legs really excitedly or just puts her hand up to me. I had no idea kids did this at six months, but the  first time she responded like this I thought it was a fluke. But she keeps doing it - and I think it is just wonderful and cute and makes me feel loved. The other thing she does: When I pick her up, especially if she really really wants to be picked up, she throws her free arm around my neck and pulls in really tightly. If this isn't a hug, I don't know what is. I am totally addicted.

Next time, I'll post about what has me a bit bummed out. I write this not to tease, but to make me come back and post sooner rather than later....

Friday 7 June 2013

Infill

I write blog posts in my head.

Long, beautiful, heartfelt.

Forgotten by the time I get to the keyboard. (along with my awesomely witty FB status updates)

Life is full. There's even a big black hole in the center of my being that is full of dark, churning matter, matter which is often left to its own devices. A hole which seems to be covered over, maybe with a flimsy layer of moss or maybe some attractive greenery.

I don't know if I don't take the time for this hole anymore, this abyss of loss, this grief that doesn't feel like the grief I knew and understood. But my patience is thin and my temper as treacherous as quicksand these days.

Life has changed so much in this last year. Moving from where Serenity was has changed my reality. The triggers are not here; the people who 'knew' her, knew us then, are not here. It's a big disconnect.

Here, we are that perfect, happy couple with the charming little daughter, the ones that people wonder when we will add to our little family.

Moving was stressful, on the emotional end, on the practical end. (Owning a house where you no longer live is also lots of fun) It took me somewhere I was not yet ready to go and took me from somewhere I was not yet ready to leave.

Home is where my family is, and we have our little family here, Serenity too, here and there and not. The ashes are on a hutch, the essence is dispersed, the hole in me is empty and full.

I want that hole to be full, but with light, with positivity, with love, with compassion, with empathy. Hell, it could even spew rainbows.

But I am just not there. I am not enlightened, I am not good at being my better self. I am a complaining pessimist who gets easily stressed out.

Something is missing in my life. I search for what it is, thinking it is due to moving, leaving friends and a city I enjoyed. I join a community, searching for free thinkers. I search Amazon, thinking it is a book to read or a new toy for Beanie, or maybe a new kitchen gadget. I search Meetup, thinking it is new mama friends. I search for a babysitter, because toddlerhood is just too much. I search Etsy just because I am an addict (thank god I have avoided Pinterest). I try a new diet. A new park. A new dress. I dance around a verdant circle...

and realize that the soft, mossy patch is just a facade, a thin overlay to a deep abyss. Where I can not hope to be whole.

Monday 3 June 2013

I am humbled



I am humbled when I learn that a new-to-our-ranks mama is reading my blog. To have a new reader recognize my blog with an award, wow. I have received a blogger award from Jessica at Two Pieces of my Heart. She just lost her twin boys, William and Ethan. I have started reading her blog, and I am so sad to know her here. She's a school teacher and is back to work already - I am amazed at her strength - please go give her some love!

So here's how this award works.
  1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
  2. Share 7 things about yourself.
  3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
  4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award.
Seven Things About Me

Hm.  I'll just do this on the fly...

1. Growing up, I never wanted to have kids. When I met Triple S, I decided I could try for one. Now I have have been pregnant three times and have two girls. Another? Well, that's a whole series of blog posts...
2. I am a bit of a procrastinator. That's why it has taken me so long to post this! And it will probably take me even longer to name 15 blogs.
3. Hm, it's so hard to think about things about myself from "before." It seems like a different person. What a disconnect from my self. (That's something about myself in there)
4. I am a total food addict.
5. I've never tried drugs. Probably because of #4. If food is that addicting...
6. I really love tawny port. Yummmm. Unfortunately, I am out right now.
7. I hate the TV. I wish Triple S could give it up.
And a bonus: I read my Chinese horoscope the other day, and it said that wood rabbits like me need alone time to work things out. So true. Hence the blogging.

Ok, 15 blogs. Actually, many of the blogs I read during my darkest days have slowed down. Proof, I guess, that life does resume. We'll see how many I get. And consider yourself notified!

Here are blogs that I have recently discovered:

Demeter's Feet - Jenni did such an awesome job organizing the ornament swap!
After Iris is not someone I was reading at 'my' beginning, but her reading of dead baby names caught me.
I found Longing, Living, Loving just within that last few months. Yet another joining us dead baby mamas.

Here are some oldies but goodies. If you aren't reading them already, you sure are missing out:
The Happy Sad Mama
The Road Less Travelled
Still Life with Circles and Angie's wonderfully curated project still life 365
Ferdinand's Gifts that darn Janis has me reading blogs like "The Minimalists." With our impending move, can I do it???
And I want to shout out to CLC, who is busy with her family welcoming her second son after the death of her darling Hannah. I am over-the-top happy for her and her hubs. I am sure she is missing Hannah even more these days.

Looking through my google reader blog roll, it occurs to me that I don't read any 'mom' blogs. Only dead baby mama mom blogs. It's a different kind of parenting.

This blog, Her Five Year Diary, is an awesome idea and has inspired me to keep a five-year diary too. It's a transitional year for us and there are so many little things happening every day with Beanie, so this is an interesting time to start such a project. Thanks, Sara, for the great idea and the snapshot into 1961! And I still miss your blog!

A ridiculous number of blogs in my reader have to do with food. I eat gluten- and dairy-free (12 years and 6 months, respectively) and am trying to reduce my sugar intake. Chocolate doesn't have sugar, right?  I just started reading The Healthy Cooking Coach and the recipes intrigue me. Too bad I am eating salad only this week to recoop from our extended holiday family visits... I am also thinking about reducing grains and making all my sweets 'raw'. Can I do it?

The third category of blogs I read is Copyediting blogs. I won't torment you with any of these!

And I want to take this chance to thank you all, my friends in the internet. I would not have survived without you.

Saturday 1 June 2013

This is a post about nothing

Christmas was... uneventful, calm, plucky. Happy but not deliriously so. We have my sister here to distract us.  Bea is so full of life, her light pushes the darkness to the far corners.

***
Neither set of grandparents sent her any presents.

I really don't know what universe they live in. I am not complaining. I am not even wasting the mental energy to be confused.
***

It's midnight. I have read the blogs. It's quiet, except for the dog's and the husband's snores. I can hear them both here in the living room.

***
I am beginning to wonder about trying for another one. I am not really sure that I want to. After Bea first came home, I was like "this is great! I hope I get pregnant again asap!"  Now I am more like "Life is good. Do I really want to try to change that?"

It's like when Bea is happily playing on the floor, or with one certain toy, and I try to make her *more* happy by picking her up, or giving her more toys, and she starts crying. Someone told me this "Never try to make a happy baby happier" and it is so true. Just leave 'well enough' alone.

That's where I am kinda at about this whole sibling thing.

Although it is nice having a sister.  A living sister.