We got out of the house by 11. The goal was 9ish. But there were many distractions along the way. Plus I was filling the kidde pool in the morning, so the water could be warmed by the sun. So a test dip was necessary. And then we had to 'move the' duck. And get some clothes on (one of us was showered and dressed, I'll let you guess who). And start the beef stock.
Finally got in the car, drove half a block and out like a light (one of us, the other stayed awake for the driving part). Got gas and got to the spice store. I turn on my computer and format two subheadings before she woke up. Drat.
Beanie loves shopping. She likes to look around, say hi, carry stuff. She's actually just fine in stores. She might take something to look at , but I can't really scold her, "Don't touch that!!!" because I like to touch everything -or read labels- in the store too. If I ask her to reshelve something, she does and in the general spot too. I've seen plenty of dairy case items in the cookie row to know that adults are worse. She did like the spice store, it's just too bad everything was sealed up and not available for some smelling.
We also went to the grocery store. Beanie will get onions for me, help carry items to the scales, pick out mushrooms with the tongs. Today she stayed in the shopping cart, which does make life nice for mama.
We came home and I tried to do some chores while she played outside. The pool is a big draw. A friend came over and they played in the pool, chased the not-so baby ducks and generally mucked about.
And she fell asleep an hour earlier than normal. So, I get to do some editing... yippee....
Sunday 30 December 2012
Friday 28 December 2012
February 6, 2011
Oh Serenity. I miss you, girl.
***
Bea has a multitude of nicknames. So many, in fact, that I don't think she recognizes any as 'her' name.
As a matter of fact, the dog also has many nicknames. She does know her 'given' name. She also basically just answers to tone of voice, as we've tried calling her in gibberish and she still answers. Such is a dog.
The cat also has a few nicknames.
But Serenity, Serenity is just Serenity.
We rarely refer to her by her Chinese name. She never got a sweet name like cutie or sweetie. She never learned to smile. She never was a stinker nor acted squirrly.
She never revealed her personality to us. She never had favorites. She never did anything remarkable.
But we love her still.
***
I see her in the butterflies, the snow, the rain, the fall leaves. Today we will burn incense for Da Ku* and Serenity at the park. I will put out birdseed where we released butterflies. We will read a poem or two out in the cold, on this overcast day. And we will bake a cake.
* Triple S' oldest aunt passed away and her funeral is today (or yesterday) in China.
***
Bea has a multitude of nicknames. So many, in fact, that I don't think she recognizes any as 'her' name.
As a matter of fact, the dog also has many nicknames. She does know her 'given' name. She also basically just answers to tone of voice, as we've tried calling her in gibberish and she still answers. Such is a dog.
The cat also has a few nicknames.
But Serenity, Serenity is just Serenity.
We rarely refer to her by her Chinese name. She never got a sweet name like cutie or sweetie. She never learned to smile. She never was a stinker nor acted squirrly.
She never revealed her personality to us. She never had favorites. She never did anything remarkable.
But we love her still.
***
I see her in the butterflies, the snow, the rain, the fall leaves. Today we will burn incense for Da Ku* and Serenity at the park. I will put out birdseed where we released butterflies. We will read a poem or two out in the cold, on this overcast day. And we will bake a cake.
* Triple S' oldest aunt passed away and her funeral is today (or yesterday) in China.
Tuesday 25 December 2012
This and That
I just had a 'nursing dream'**. I was an old woman with Alzheimer's. Beatriz walked into the room and I called her Serenity. With a look of resignation, she said yes, after so many times of telling me "No, mom, it's Beatriz". I just broke down and cried, so relieved to finally get to see my Serenity.
***
As I was nursing Beanie, I was thinking about how Serenity's birth is fading from my memory. I never faced my memories of her birth in order to write them here on the blog. But I had written down every detail I could remember shortly after her death. Coming out to the living room after enticing Beanie to sleep, I found the journal. I had started writing down the story from Friday, the day before I think she died. I had stopped writing Wednesday morning, just after the doctor came in, checked me, and told me I could start pushing. So no birth story.
Triple S had also typed up his version. I think his version is more about the actual birth. So maybe we have the whole story between the two of us.
I think I should type up my story and combine it with Triple S', or maybe try to finish my version, which will end up now less detailed. Then I want to print it out. And I want to print out my blog (if anyone knows the easy way to do this from blogger, please let me know). I am going to put everything into a binder then. I know it will forever be on the internet somewhere, but there is nothing quite like paper and ink.
***
Triple S is at a business conference this week. It has given me time to think.
I've never been known for my great memory. Today, I talked with my MIL and she can't remember the details of when Triple S was a baby. I worry that I will forget. I look at Beanie, and close my eyes and try to picture her face in my mind, but honestly, I really can't. I guess I don't have a photographic memory. At least we have pictures of her.
I never studied Serenity's face. This is my second biggest regret. I wish I had looked at her, taken pictures of her, touched and held her more. But as I held her, I could feel the temperature of her body growing cold. It was more than I could withstand. Plus, for some reason, I felt that it must be a rush to get the body autopsied. I feared if we waited, they wouldn't be able to figure out why she died. I later found out that the autopsy defiently did not happen right away. And her death remains unexplained. I squandered the little time we could have had with her.
***
I asked Beanie today why she chose us. Is she a gentle soul, and upon seeing our broken hearts thought that she could take care of us?
**Nursing dream - a dream, maybe a daydream, that occurs while in that drowsy, hormone-induced, snoozy state that accompanies side-lying nursing.
***
As I was nursing Beanie, I was thinking about how Serenity's birth is fading from my memory. I never faced my memories of her birth in order to write them here on the blog. But I had written down every detail I could remember shortly after her death. Coming out to the living room after enticing Beanie to sleep, I found the journal. I had started writing down the story from Friday, the day before I think she died. I had stopped writing Wednesday morning, just after the doctor came in, checked me, and told me I could start pushing. So no birth story.
Triple S had also typed up his version. I think his version is more about the actual birth. So maybe we have the whole story between the two of us.
I think I should type up my story and combine it with Triple S', or maybe try to finish my version, which will end up now less detailed. Then I want to print it out. And I want to print out my blog (if anyone knows the easy way to do this from blogger, please let me know). I am going to put everything into a binder then. I know it will forever be on the internet somewhere, but there is nothing quite like paper and ink.
***
Triple S is at a business conference this week. It has given me time to think.
I've never been known for my great memory. Today, I talked with my MIL and she can't remember the details of when Triple S was a baby. I worry that I will forget. I look at Beanie, and close my eyes and try to picture her face in my mind, but honestly, I really can't. I guess I don't have a photographic memory. At least we have pictures of her.
I never studied Serenity's face. This is my second biggest regret. I wish I had looked at her, taken pictures of her, touched and held her more. But as I held her, I could feel the temperature of her body growing cold. It was more than I could withstand. Plus, for some reason, I felt that it must be a rush to get the body autopsied. I feared if we waited, they wouldn't be able to figure out why she died. I later found out that the autopsy defiently did not happen right away. And her death remains unexplained. I squandered the little time we could have had with her.
***
I asked Beanie today why she chose us. Is she a gentle soul, and upon seeing our broken hearts thought that she could take care of us?
**Nursing dream - a dream, maybe a daydream, that occurs while in that drowsy, hormone-induced, snoozy state that accompanies side-lying nursing.
Sunday 23 December 2012
It's a new week!
And I am ready for it!
This weekend I sold some old broken necklaces at the 'we buy gold!' place. I guess it was a pawn shop? The necklaces have been accumulated over the last decade or so, as I always thought I would go get them fixed. Bah. Just sell them for scrap. We also sold some of Triple S' old earrings. I also took more clothes for consignment. Slowly but surely cleaning house! My goal is to keep this up and get rid of something every week. I have to start finding something for this week...
I have also been sorting through Beanie's clothes as she (rapidly) outgrows them. I kept gender-neutral things and got rid of stuff I didn't like. I did keep some girl things that I really thought were cute. Clothes we didn't want went to two of Triple S' coworkers. I also have lots of baby gear to get rid of - some of it we never even used! Some we tried, but either I didn't like or Beanie didn't like.
I read on one of the minimalist's blogs, or perhaps on the FlyLady, that the money is gone when you bought the junk. So don't think that you are throwing it away now! I just try to remember that.
Triple S and I sorted ourselves out. I am not really a jump-up-and-down happy kinda person anyway. I am happy for him that his career looks like it is going well. I explained to him that I am happy and proud and feel like it is going well. But, this move is hard on me and us. It's a lot of work! The thing I am REALLY happy about - the generous moving package they offered - someone else can pack up all of our crap! (which should be less than it is right now, but it's still gonna be a lot).
***
I heard a story on NPR the other day about a look back at the Feminine Mystique. The guest mentioned how in the 60's the mom's were criticized about how they took care of their kids and husbands and also had limited job opportunities! That must have sucked! I just think, how did our country go so wrong back in the 50's 60's. Getting kids on schedules, pushing formula (I think formula is a great option if something is not working, but shouldn't be the first choice), and all the other crazy things I've heard about. Those kids somehow managed to survive, but it has trickle down effects into society, no? How a mother treats her child and is herself treated by the father affects a kid's personality and development and their expectations.
From what I have learned, there are two ways to handle life. You can let negative things become internalized, and spit those negative things back out, at your wife or kids or at those around you. Or, you can try to do things differently. So, if you came from an abusive house, you could become an abuser or you can try to escape the cycle and make a conscious effort to avoid doing what was done unto you. This goes for basically anything - you can be reactionary or actionary. Like the movie "Precious" (which we just got around to seeing earlier this month).
I try to be an 'attachment' parent. But then my upbringing casts doubts, and I worry that I might be coddling Bea or letting her get away with too much. She is starting to get to the age where she should learn that some things are permissible and some aren't. (And I have been consistently pointing such things out since forever, but she is at the age now where she *should* be understanding and responding!!!)
I am not ready to say that she is at the age that she can be disciplined, because I haven't figured out what that means to me yet. I don't have a really good example of discipline from my life that speaks to me. Actually, what I am doing is my definition of discipline, it's just the way that is more work for the mama. Right now I am just doing a lot of picking her up from the dog's water bowl, setting her on the other side of the kitchen, watching her as she crawls back over there and picking her up again. Repeat about 10 times while I am cooking dinner. And doing this for 20 other crazy things. I can be patient!
I know what I don't want to do.
I could spank her, or grab her violently, or yell at her like a banshee. I am sure she would 'get' it more quickly. But I am not going to do that. My parents would probably think I was crazy for doing what I am doing. Well, my mom would have just plopped me in the playpen. I prefer letting Bea explore.
We just watched the documentary "Babies" this weekend. It made me feel exhausted - more than a year for four kids in about an hour! But, I don't feel like I am too neglectful after seeing the mongolian mom leave her kid in the hut while she tended the animals - even tying the kid to the bed! And I think I can let Bea get dirtier after seeing the African kids sitting in the dirt sans pants.
Sorry, dear readers, I know these blog posts are rambling and not well written. But, it's a download! I think about many things, as I know you all do too. Rarely are those thoughts complete! And writing something here doesn't ever mean that I've made up my mind or know what I am doing or what I am talking about. It's about the process, right?
I'd love to know some of your thoughts on the topics I've touched here (the more half-baked the better!)
This weekend I sold some old broken necklaces at the 'we buy gold!' place. I guess it was a pawn shop? The necklaces have been accumulated over the last decade or so, as I always thought I would go get them fixed. Bah. Just sell them for scrap. We also sold some of Triple S' old earrings. I also took more clothes for consignment. Slowly but surely cleaning house! My goal is to keep this up and get rid of something every week. I have to start finding something for this week...
I have also been sorting through Beanie's clothes as she (rapidly) outgrows them. I kept gender-neutral things and got rid of stuff I didn't like. I did keep some girl things that I really thought were cute. Clothes we didn't want went to two of Triple S' coworkers. I also have lots of baby gear to get rid of - some of it we never even used! Some we tried, but either I didn't like or Beanie didn't like.
I read on one of the minimalist's blogs, or perhaps on the FlyLady, that the money is gone when you bought the junk. So don't think that you are throwing it away now! I just try to remember that.
Triple S and I sorted ourselves out. I am not really a jump-up-and-down happy kinda person anyway. I am happy for him that his career looks like it is going well. I explained to him that I am happy and proud and feel like it is going well. But, this move is hard on me and us. It's a lot of work! The thing I am REALLY happy about - the generous moving package they offered - someone else can pack up all of our crap! (which should be less than it is right now, but it's still gonna be a lot).
***
I heard a story on NPR the other day about a look back at the Feminine Mystique. The guest mentioned how in the 60's the mom's were criticized about how they took care of their kids and husbands and also had limited job opportunities! That must have sucked! I just think, how did our country go so wrong back in the 50's 60's. Getting kids on schedules, pushing formula (I think formula is a great option if something is not working, but shouldn't be the first choice), and all the other crazy things I've heard about. Those kids somehow managed to survive, but it has trickle down effects into society, no? How a mother treats her child and is herself treated by the father affects a kid's personality and development and their expectations.
From what I have learned, there are two ways to handle life. You can let negative things become internalized, and spit those negative things back out, at your wife or kids or at those around you. Or, you can try to do things differently. So, if you came from an abusive house, you could become an abuser or you can try to escape the cycle and make a conscious effort to avoid doing what was done unto you. This goes for basically anything - you can be reactionary or actionary. Like the movie "Precious" (which we just got around to seeing earlier this month).
I try to be an 'attachment' parent. But then my upbringing casts doubts, and I worry that I might be coddling Bea or letting her get away with too much. She is starting to get to the age where she should learn that some things are permissible and some aren't. (And I have been consistently pointing such things out since forever, but she is at the age now where she *should* be understanding and responding!!!)
I am not ready to say that she is at the age that she can be disciplined, because I haven't figured out what that means to me yet. I don't have a really good example of discipline from my life that speaks to me. Actually, what I am doing is my definition of discipline, it's just the way that is more work for the mama. Right now I am just doing a lot of picking her up from the dog's water bowl, setting her on the other side of the kitchen, watching her as she crawls back over there and picking her up again. Repeat about 10 times while I am cooking dinner. And doing this for 20 other crazy things. I can be patient!
I know what I don't want to do.
I could spank her, or grab her violently, or yell at her like a banshee. I am sure she would 'get' it more quickly. But I am not going to do that. My parents would probably think I was crazy for doing what I am doing. Well, my mom would have just plopped me in the playpen. I prefer letting Bea explore.
We just watched the documentary "Babies" this weekend. It made me feel exhausted - more than a year for four kids in about an hour! But, I don't feel like I am too neglectful after seeing the mongolian mom leave her kid in the hut while she tended the animals - even tying the kid to the bed! And I think I can let Bea get dirtier after seeing the African kids sitting in the dirt sans pants.
Sorry, dear readers, I know these blog posts are rambling and not well written. But, it's a download! I think about many things, as I know you all do too. Rarely are those thoughts complete! And writing something here doesn't ever mean that I've made up my mind or know what I am doing or what I am talking about. It's about the process, right?
I'd love to know some of your thoughts on the topics I've touched here (the more half-baked the better!)
Friday 21 December 2012
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Friday 14 December 2012
The First Day of Christmas
I made an ornament for Serenity.
It's not much, but I made it. It matches the one I sent for the Ornament Exchange.
I used blue, white and silver paper and silver stickers. On the back of the tag it says 2010.
I don't know why I chose blue. I've never been much for the green and red. But, really, I think it is because the ornament looks like tears.
It's not much, but I made it. It matches the one I sent for the Ornament Exchange.
I used blue, white and silver paper and silver stickers. On the back of the tag it says 2010.
I don't know why I chose blue. I've never been much for the green and red. But, really, I think it is because the ornament looks like tears.
Monday 10 December 2012
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Thursday 6 December 2012
Thanksgiving approacheth
Ah, it's that most wonderful time of year. That over the river time of year. It's time for Thanksgiving.
It's my favorite holiday, ya know.
I could skip Christmas (and have, the year we went to Mexico).
I've got a free-range, never-frozen turkey sitting in my fridge (slaughtered, of course)
I've got print-outs of wheat- and dairy-free recipes in the kitchen.
The parents are on their way.
Uh oh. Screech. Halt. My parents.
Oh joy. Oh anxiety. Oh my utter lack of patience with all things parental.
I have been stressing all week about the coming criticisms.
Last time they were here, my dad sat and watched the baby cry right in front of him. For goodness sake, just pick her up.
He is always telling me what things I *have* to do with Beatriz (or to her).
"She needs to be in her own bed. She has to learn independence"
"If you want her to sleep, just give her a bottle, then you don't need to be there"
"She has to learn to cry"
To most of which I think "What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense" Then I think "Wow, I must have been a miserable baby" Then I realize I ought to say something, without being reactionary. Without it disintegrating.
I am afraid it is going to be a long week. When Bea was first born and my parents were here, it was ugly. The trip in July was marginally better. This is after 10 years of me really working on trying to understand and feel, not sympathy, but compassion?, for my parents. To understand where they come from and not to let where they are in life negatively affect me. And I just feel bullied by them. Well, mostly my dad, I suppose. My mom just doesn't listen or hear. And she is also going deaf (physically).
And Bea is just so darn cute. I am not sure they appreciate this. And I think she is happy. I think that counts as a positive for what Triple S and I are doing with her.
So much has changed in parenting since I was a kid. My mom didn't breastfeed my sister or me, and I don't think either of my parents were breastfed either. We were let to cry ourselves to sleep those first few nights, until we just gave up. We were to be seen and not heard. I don't remember my mom ever getting down on the floor and playing with us. In fact, she loves to proudly tell me that I loved being alone in my playpen and fought to get back in when my sister kicked me out (no wonder I am such a home-body).
I am consciously doing many things differently than the way I think my parents did it. And I hope to continue to do so. I am sure that I am making mistakes, and will make many more. I just don't aprreciate being criticized about it, almost as second-nature, without them even really thinking about what they are saying.
The big problem is, I don't want to fight with them about it. I don't want to be short with them, or to throw it in their faces that I think they did things wrong. I am sure they tried. Did the best they could with their resources.
I have been trying to come up with ready retorts.
I checked in with Triple S and he is happy with the way we are doing things.
I want Bea to feel safe, and secure, and to know that she can alwas come to us.
Because I never felt that way with my parents. I still don't. I can't trust them with my emotions. I muddled my way through my teen years because they weren't there for me.
And it's not just because they left me to cry in my crib. It was a childhood of thoughtless comments and strict, ever-changing rules, and lack of respect for me as an individual. Even as a kid, you are still an individual.
I want Bea to see me handle stress with grace.
And the parents definitely cause me stress.
****
If I don't make it back here in time:
To all you Americanos:
Have a peaceful, happy, and stress-less Thanksgiving.
To the rest of you:
Have a nice Thursday! ;)
It's my favorite holiday, ya know.
I could skip Christmas (and have, the year we went to Mexico).
I've got a free-range, never-frozen turkey sitting in my fridge (slaughtered, of course)
I've got print-outs of wheat- and dairy-free recipes in the kitchen.
The parents are on their way.
Uh oh. Screech. Halt. My parents.
Oh joy. Oh anxiety. Oh my utter lack of patience with all things parental.
I have been stressing all week about the coming criticisms.
Last time they were here, my dad sat and watched the baby cry right in front of him. For goodness sake, just pick her up.
He is always telling me what things I *have* to do with Beatriz (or to her).
"She needs to be in her own bed. She has to learn independence"
"If you want her to sleep, just give her a bottle, then you don't need to be there"
"She has to learn to cry"
To most of which I think "What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense" Then I think "Wow, I must have been a miserable baby" Then I realize I ought to say something, without being reactionary. Without it disintegrating.
I am afraid it is going to be a long week. When Bea was first born and my parents were here, it was ugly. The trip in July was marginally better. This is after 10 years of me really working on trying to understand and feel, not sympathy, but compassion?, for my parents. To understand where they come from and not to let where they are in life negatively affect me. And I just feel bullied by them. Well, mostly my dad, I suppose. My mom just doesn't listen or hear. And she is also going deaf (physically).
And Bea is just so darn cute. I am not sure they appreciate this. And I think she is happy. I think that counts as a positive for what Triple S and I are doing with her.
So much has changed in parenting since I was a kid. My mom didn't breastfeed my sister or me, and I don't think either of my parents were breastfed either. We were let to cry ourselves to sleep those first few nights, until we just gave up. We were to be seen and not heard. I don't remember my mom ever getting down on the floor and playing with us. In fact, she loves to proudly tell me that I loved being alone in my playpen and fought to get back in when my sister kicked me out (no wonder I am such a home-body).
I am consciously doing many things differently than the way I think my parents did it. And I hope to continue to do so. I am sure that I am making mistakes, and will make many more. I just don't aprreciate being criticized about it, almost as second-nature, without them even really thinking about what they are saying.
The big problem is, I don't want to fight with them about it. I don't want to be short with them, or to throw it in their faces that I think they did things wrong. I am sure they tried. Did the best they could with their resources.
I have been trying to come up with ready retorts.
I checked in with Triple S and he is happy with the way we are doing things.
I want Bea to feel safe, and secure, and to know that she can alwas come to us.
Because I never felt that way with my parents. I still don't. I can't trust them with my emotions. I muddled my way through my teen years because they weren't there for me.
And it's not just because they left me to cry in my crib. It was a childhood of thoughtless comments and strict, ever-changing rules, and lack of respect for me as an individual. Even as a kid, you are still an individual.
I want Bea to see me handle stress with grace.
And the parents definitely cause me stress.
****
If I don't make it back here in time:
To all you Americanos:
Have a peaceful, happy, and stress-less Thanksgiving.
To the rest of you:
Have a nice Thursday! ;)
Tuesday 4 December 2012
Meeting that right person
I am enjoying reading the 'Right Where I Am' posts. Thank you all for your comments; I will visit your blogs when I can.
***
Little Beanie has a friend that was born on the same day. We all met after they were born, but became fast friends. It's sad to leave them - we have even joked about them moving down to TX after we get settled.
Last week, on FB I asked if anyone could play with Bea for a few hours so I could get some packing done and Triple S could study. Of all my friends, all the people I've known for years, all the people that said 'we'll babysit anytime', this husband and wife volunteered.
On our first playdate, back in late fall or early winter, the mom and I talked. I talked about Serenity, and she told me that she lost twin boys.
And I wonder how she and her husband felt chasing after two toddlers born on the same day. Close, but not quite right.
***
Little Beanie has a friend that was born on the same day. We all met after they were born, but became fast friends. It's sad to leave them - we have even joked about them moving down to TX after we get settled.
Last week, on FB I asked if anyone could play with Bea for a few hours so I could get some packing done and Triple S could study. Of all my friends, all the people I've known for years, all the people that said 'we'll babysit anytime', this husband and wife volunteered.
On our first playdate, back in late fall or early winter, the mom and I talked. I talked about Serenity, and she told me that she lost twin boys.
And I wonder how she and her husband felt chasing after two toddlers born on the same day. Close, but not quite right.
Sunday 2 December 2012
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Friday 30 November 2012
On Minimalishism
I came across the term 'Minimalish' yesterday. I think that better describes my simplification efforts. I'll never get down to 100 things. I doubt I'll even get down to 1000!
Last week I got rid of two bags of old clothes to Remains. They were to damaged to go to Goodwill.
Today I am donating 6 bags to Children's Homes Services. They called ME to do a pickup! How did they know???? So it prompted me to get rid of a bunch of stuff that was on my out list, like my old record player (since I got rid of my records, what do I need a record player for?), a backpack carrier someone gave us, stuffed animals with eyes that people gave us for Bea (heeeelloooo?), some clothes she was grown out of, all of our plastic sports bottles (we switched to Siggs two years ago or so) and some other random stuff. It's taking up 1/4 of the front porch! That's a lot of stuff OUT THE DOOR!
***
This last week Bea has been so happy. There has been just a big change in her. She is outgoing and exploring more in strange places.
It's been sunny and warm here, and I am sure that is a contributing factor. I am feeling happier, and really hoping we are through the worst of winter. It was a cold one this year.
Wewent to the Botanical Garden on Sunday. Beanie was waving at everything and eerybody - including the plants. We skipped the indoor orchid show since it was so nice outside. The witch hazels were in bloom - one of my favorite!
Monday we went to Baby Bookworms at the library, and Bea just enjoyed herself! She was trying to get to the book that the librarian was reading and crawling around and interacting with the other babies. She fell asleep in the car, so I went to our large city park to edit while she slept. When she woke up we went to the zoo. We saw the chimps enjoying the sun just like us. But, honestly, I think she likes the Botanical Garden better. She didn't wave at any of the animals. That's my girl!
Tuesday we were walking to the YMCA, but Bea fell asleep in the stroller, so we sat in the park and I read a book on Montessori. When she woke up we went to the playground. I sat her on the gym, and we met a little boy about her age. She also went on the swing.
Wednesday we went to La Leche League meeting. The moms sit in a circle in a church nursery (in the little kiddie chairs, comfortable it is not!). The wee babies stay in mothers' arms, the ones 6 mos + play inside the circle, and the older kids play on the other side of the room where all the toys are. At one point, Bea looked over where the bigger kids were creating mayhem, and I told her *I* wasn't ready for her to go ver there (There's older siblings in the 4-5 age range and they were wound up). But, then again later Bea looked over and tried to exit the circle of chairs, so I let her go. She played over there with many toys quite happily for a good long time. *I* kept looking over my shoulder for her. I wanted to be sure that the older kids were being careful with a baby over there. Pretty soon, I fear, I won't be able to say she is the baby. She will be one of the rough and tumble toddlers.
I am glad she is feeling more secure and can venture out. This bodes well for me leaving her at the tot watch at the YMCA, so I can go work out.
Today is the last day of her 10th month. It's been a whirlwind. I am happy that she is growing and progressing and learning and changing, but it is happening all a little too fast for this mama.
***
As you can see, we've been quite busy with this wonderful weather, hence the lack of posting. Today we will just take a walk around our neighborhood park and maybe play in the front yard. I need to cut back the old perennials, which did not get done int he fall as I usually do. Babies really interrupt gardening...
***
Yesterday I had the thought to get the LLL leader training. The leaders of our group are really wonderful and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to train with them. One of the places that Triple S is interviewing seems to have less LLL groups. I'll have to research the breastfeeding rates there. It's a more conservative part of the country, so I imagine breastfeeding in public is seriously frowned upon.
I'll have to seriously consider this over the net few days, how it fits into the next year, the next five and after that.
Last week I got rid of two bags of old clothes to Remains. They were to damaged to go to Goodwill.
Today I am donating 6 bags to Children's Homes Services. They called ME to do a pickup! How did they know???? So it prompted me to get rid of a bunch of stuff that was on my out list, like my old record player (since I got rid of my records, what do I need a record player for?), a backpack carrier someone gave us, stuffed animals with eyes that people gave us for Bea (heeeelloooo?), some clothes she was grown out of, all of our plastic sports bottles (we switched to Siggs two years ago or so) and some other random stuff. It's taking up 1/4 of the front porch! That's a lot of stuff OUT THE DOOR!
***
This last week Bea has been so happy. There has been just a big change in her. She is outgoing and exploring more in strange places.
It's been sunny and warm here, and I am sure that is a contributing factor. I am feeling happier, and really hoping we are through the worst of winter. It was a cold one this year.
Wewent to the Botanical Garden on Sunday. Beanie was waving at everything and eerybody - including the plants. We skipped the indoor orchid show since it was so nice outside. The witch hazels were in bloom - one of my favorite!
Monday we went to Baby Bookworms at the library, and Bea just enjoyed herself! She was trying to get to the book that the librarian was reading and crawling around and interacting with the other babies. She fell asleep in the car, so I went to our large city park to edit while she slept. When she woke up we went to the zoo. We saw the chimps enjoying the sun just like us. But, honestly, I think she likes the Botanical Garden better. She didn't wave at any of the animals. That's my girl!
Tuesday we were walking to the YMCA, but Bea fell asleep in the stroller, so we sat in the park and I read a book on Montessori. When she woke up we went to the playground. I sat her on the gym, and we met a little boy about her age. She also went on the swing.
Wednesday we went to La Leche League meeting. The moms sit in a circle in a church nursery (in the little kiddie chairs, comfortable it is not!). The wee babies stay in mothers' arms, the ones 6 mos + play inside the circle, and the older kids play on the other side of the room where all the toys are. At one point, Bea looked over where the bigger kids were creating mayhem, and I told her *I* wasn't ready for her to go ver there (There's older siblings in the 4-5 age range and they were wound up). But, then again later Bea looked over and tried to exit the circle of chairs, so I let her go. She played over there with many toys quite happily for a good long time. *I* kept looking over my shoulder for her. I wanted to be sure that the older kids were being careful with a baby over there. Pretty soon, I fear, I won't be able to say she is the baby. She will be one of the rough and tumble toddlers.
I am glad she is feeling more secure and can venture out. This bodes well for me leaving her at the tot watch at the YMCA, so I can go work out.
Today is the last day of her 10th month. It's been a whirlwind. I am happy that she is growing and progressing and learning and changing, but it is happening all a little too fast for this mama.
***
As you can see, we've been quite busy with this wonderful weather, hence the lack of posting. Today we will just take a walk around our neighborhood park and maybe play in the front yard. I need to cut back the old perennials, which did not get done int he fall as I usually do. Babies really interrupt gardening...
***
Yesterday I had the thought to get the LLL leader training. The leaders of our group are really wonderful and I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to train with them. One of the places that Triple S is interviewing seems to have less LLL groups. I'll have to research the breastfeeding rates there. It's a more conservative part of the country, so I imagine breastfeeding in public is seriously frowned upon.
I'll have to seriously consider this over the net few days, how it fits into the next year, the next five and after that.
Wednesday 28 November 2012
Stats
Baby:
4 mos
25 inches
15 lb 2 oz
75th percentile for length and weight
Mama:
um, lots of months
5'7"
153 lbs today, after lunch! This is four pounds less than I started Serenity's pregnancy. I haven't weighed this for probably four years. It's feeling pretty good losing this weight. I am losing at least a pound a week.
Bea and I went to the Y today. I had to leave her at the tot watch. It was hard. Hard. I never thought (at least before Serenity) that I would be *that* overprotective mother. But here I am, finding it difficult to leave her upstairs with a bunch of strangers while I am in the pool.
But when I went up after my swim, there she was, sitting in a lady's lap, looking intently at the other kids. This social time is good for her.
Tomorrow we will go to the tots open gym. She might do some tummy time, a lot of baby watching and mama hopefully will get to social with other new moms. I really am hoping to find other SAHMs in the neighborhood, which just hasn't happened on our walks around the park.
Letting go...
4 mos
25 inches
15 lb 2 oz
75th percentile for length and weight
Mama:
um, lots of months
5'7"
153 lbs today, after lunch! This is four pounds less than I started Serenity's pregnancy. I haven't weighed this for probably four years. It's feeling pretty good losing this weight. I am losing at least a pound a week.
Bea and I went to the Y today. I had to leave her at the tot watch. It was hard. Hard. I never thought (at least before Serenity) that I would be *that* overprotective mother. But here I am, finding it difficult to leave her upstairs with a bunch of strangers while I am in the pool.
But when I went up after my swim, there she was, sitting in a lady's lap, looking intently at the other kids. This social time is good for her.
Tomorrow we will go to the tots open gym. She might do some tummy time, a lot of baby watching and mama hopefully will get to social with other new moms. I really am hoping to find other SAHMs in the neighborhood, which just hasn't happened on our walks around the park.
Letting go...
Monday 26 November 2012
Positive vs Negative
A few other dbm bloggers have been listing their positives each week or setting goals and updating their progress. I struggle to think of positive things in my life. Maybe I am hard-wired for the negative.
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took. It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.
I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.
Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.
My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.
I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.
It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals. (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?
When I look back over my life, it is the negative things that I remember, that I feel have shaped who I am and the direction that my life took. It's the regrets that are burned into my memory more vividly, perhaps because I have replayed them so many times.
I don't want to teach Beanie to be so negative. I don't want her to be a cynic.
Now, sitting here today, playing with Beanie daily, I find it hard to be lighthearted. This is a trend that has developed over the last five or six years. This trend was only reinforced by two years of grief.
My laughs are sarcastic, sardonic, and mirthless, not hearty and robust or genuine.
I think I will try to re-train myself. I will focus on the positive. I will follow the good examples of Barb and Anna and Mrs. Spit, listing the positives and working toward goals.
It seems to me that the positive things are always so small, the minutia of daily life, while the negative things are the big deals. (A nice sunset vs, say, a dead baby) Do you think this is true or just my wiring?
Friday 23 November 2012
Motorola
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Monday 19 November 2012
Wilson Electronics
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Saturday 17 November 2012
Mother's Day
Serenity's face is fading from my memory.
I try to hold on to the details. To the overall.
It slips away still.
I try to hold in my mind the differences between the sisters.
But those distinctions are illusive to me.
Bea fills my heart and my time, yet thoughts of Serenity remain. I miss her more and more, never less.
***
I wish you all peace, love and goodness this day. And remember, you are all goodness.
I try to hold on to the details. To the overall.
It slips away still.
I try to hold in my mind the differences between the sisters.
But those distinctions are illusive to me.
Bea fills my heart and my time, yet thoughts of Serenity remain. I miss her more and more, never less.
***
I wish you all peace, love and goodness this day. And remember, you are all goodness.
Wednesday 14 November 2012
If
2 1/2 Years.
Woulda. Coulda. Should be.
Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.
I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.
My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.
It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.
I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.
The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.
Woulda. Coulda. Should be.
Bea is my calm after the storm. Much like I am here helping her to drift into sleep, she is there for me.
I can't imagine doing this without her. I don't know how I managed before she came safely into this world - through the grief, through the miscarriage, through the pregnancy.
My admiration to all of you still struggling to get your next baby.
It's not easy having a baby after such a devastating death. But it sure beats not having one when you want one.
I wanted to acknowledge you, my persevering sisters. I appreciate that you are still reading me. I am thankful that you can celebrate in my joy, but it must still bring pangs to your heart.
The look of utter peace on Bea's face while she sleeps, her chest rising and lowering, brings a little peace to my heart, mitigates my tears.
Saturday 10 November 2012
Snow bound
Since we have been staying home this week, there's been no car rides for good naps. So, the last three days I have 'recreated' the carseat (which puts her to sleep sometimes before I even have her strapped in!) by putting the bouncy seat back into commission - I have it on our bog coffee table, sitting next to me and facing the window so she can see the light and sky - just like the back window of the car. Today, she fussed a bit for only a few minutes and zonked out! Why didn't I think of this MONTHS ago!?!
***
Triple S and I did a little goal exercise last night. I had asked him a week or so ago about it, he forgot, I asked him again and it was like the first time he had heard the idea! But I used the 'new year' card. He actually ended up liking it, we got to discuss or ideas/hopes/dreams about the move. I told him I had been reading these minimalist things and wanted him to know so he knew where I was getting all these 'weird' ideas from. It was good. I jotted notes - so we can remember!
***
In pursuant with my goal to get rid of at least a few things every week, I've got a plastic grocery bag of clothes to go to Remains and a paper bag of clothing and hair accessories (haven't seen my new haircut yet?) to go to consignment. Remains is a cool business. They'll take old clothes, sell them locally if 'good' enough, and trickle down through selling internationally to developing countries. If the cloth (they take all cloth, like linen, upholstery, curtains) is not good enough for that, they recycle the fibers. So, I send my stained or other bad stuff there.
***
I dusted Serenity's shelf today. That frees up some time for me on Sunday. I think I will finally sit and read some of 'They Were Still Born.' I am thinking that the essays don't need read in order? I am not sure which I will read; maybe one of the authors that I am not familiar with. I haven't felt like I had the space to read in this book yet, but I want to take some time for it.
***
Hm, I have a chiropractor appt. tonite. That means I have to leave the house and go into the cold. Brr. It's been nice hibernating this week. I think I needed it, emotionally and house chore wise. Outings with Bea take a lot of time and energy. The house is feeling so much more peaceful.
***
Triple S and I did a little goal exercise last night. I had asked him a week or so ago about it, he forgot, I asked him again and it was like the first time he had heard the idea! But I used the 'new year' card. He actually ended up liking it, we got to discuss or ideas/hopes/dreams about the move. I told him I had been reading these minimalist things and wanted him to know so he knew where I was getting all these 'weird' ideas from. It was good. I jotted notes - so we can remember!
***
In pursuant with my goal to get rid of at least a few things every week, I've got a plastic grocery bag of clothes to go to Remains and a paper bag of clothing and hair accessories (haven't seen my new haircut yet?) to go to consignment. Remains is a cool business. They'll take old clothes, sell them locally if 'good' enough, and trickle down through selling internationally to developing countries. If the cloth (they take all cloth, like linen, upholstery, curtains) is not good enough for that, they recycle the fibers. So, I send my stained or other bad stuff there.
***
I dusted Serenity's shelf today. That frees up some time for me on Sunday. I think I will finally sit and read some of 'They Were Still Born.' I am thinking that the essays don't need read in order? I am not sure which I will read; maybe one of the authors that I am not familiar with. I haven't felt like I had the space to read in this book yet, but I want to take some time for it.
***
Hm, I have a chiropractor appt. tonite. That means I have to leave the house and go into the cold. Brr. It's been nice hibernating this week. I think I needed it, emotionally and house chore wise. Outings with Bea take a lot of time and energy. The house is feeling so much more peaceful.
Wednesday 7 November 2012
V-Day
Triple S just showed me the valentine he got for Bea. So cute.
breaks my heart
that this is the first year we bought a valentine for a little girl
***
My hairdresser asked me today if we will have another, because it's not good for Bea to be an only child.
But she isn't.
But she is. Alone.
***
And, no, I am not really feeling like being pregnant again. Although I loved being pregnant and never had 'bad' symptoms, it's just too overwhelmingly stressful to even think about it.
***
I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with love, and chocolate.
breaks my heart
that this is the first year we bought a valentine for a little girl
***
My hairdresser asked me today if we will have another, because it's not good for Bea to be an only child.
But she isn't.
But she is. Alone.
***
And, no, I am not really feeling like being pregnant again. Although I loved being pregnant and never had 'bad' symptoms, it's just too overwhelmingly stressful to even think about it.
***
I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with love, and chocolate.
Monday 5 November 2012
Freaky Friday
Today I met a mama for a playdate. We had both joined a meetup group at about the same time, and I saw by her profile that her son was about the same age as Beanie. Her profile seemed cool enough, so I contacted her directly to see if she would like to meetup. Today we met at this old mall that has only a few stores and art space. It's a good place for walkers. It's a bit weird to be in a mostly empty mall. Freaky you might say.
As we were taking the kids' coats off, we find out that her son and Beanie were born on the same day. He was late, and we kicked Beanie out early. But, the same day. Freaky.
As we walked and talked, I found out that she lost her twin boys at 20 weeks due to twin-to-twin transfusion. What a chance meeting. And sometimes loss is... everywhere.
We talked easily and comfortably. This is the first time I have connected with a person IRL for some time. I am not sure we left anything to talk about at our meetup next week. Nothing was uncomfortable or forced.
We FaceBook friended each other to more easily plan playdates. On her profile: her birthday is the same day as mine. Super Freaky.
Her son and Bea were really cute together. He's already walking. Poor little Bea. Those three gestational weeks..... well, I know that's not really true and that kids develop at their own pace blah blah blah.
I just hope she doesn't turn out to be a psychopath! No, I'm sure she's fine....
Triple S asked me when her husband's birthday was....
As we were taking the kids' coats off, we find out that her son and Beanie were born on the same day. He was late, and we kicked Beanie out early. But, the same day. Freaky.
As we walked and talked, I found out that she lost her twin boys at 20 weeks due to twin-to-twin transfusion. What a chance meeting. And sometimes loss is... everywhere.
We talked easily and comfortably. This is the first time I have connected with a person IRL for some time. I am not sure we left anything to talk about at our meetup next week. Nothing was uncomfortable or forced.
We FaceBook friended each other to more easily plan playdates. On her profile: her birthday is the same day as mine. Super Freaky.
Her son and Bea were really cute together. He's already walking. Poor little Bea. Those three gestational weeks..... well, I know that's not really true and that kids develop at their own pace blah blah blah.
I just hope she doesn't turn out to be a psychopath! No, I'm sure she's fine....
Triple S asked me when her husband's birthday was....
Thursday 1 November 2012
To post or not to post
that is the question.
In many ways life is mundane, but it is also a tempest.
When I moved, I thought of picking up blogging again, but I wanted to spend time meeting people here. But I still spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer, on FB, reading parenting blogs and Montessori blogs.
I could right a blog about life. Or not.
So inspiring, right?
I was happy to receive so many comments on such an abandoned blog - readers have not abandoned me and are obviously still caught up on their reading. My Google Reader is hopeless. I have too many blogs in there that aren't of interest (quilting?).
I also seem to have lost my voice. Or maybe my focus. I am also not sure how much I want to post about Beanie and her life. It's her life after all. I rarely even post on FB anymore. I know it's a new age, but those are her choices.
I suppose what I lack most in life right now is someone with whom to share deeply. I have acquaintances here, but playdates are not conducive to long, linear talks. And I am not sure how much I want to share with the whole world wide web (or the 20 people that look here).
But I remember that connection I had with you... reading your blogs, reading comments, writing my deepest and ofttimes most compulsive thoughts. Processing. Sharing. Remembering.
I've also developed a bit of an avoidance coping strategy. No new dead baby blogs, because I just can't take it. I'm not proud of it, I feel like I should repay our community and be there for our sisters.
But I have taken from this blogging world knowledge. Knowledge of everything that can and too often does go wrong. And I am more delicate in asking questions and try to avoid making assumptions. At least I hope so.
And I try to keep conversation open. If someone wants to talk to me about infertility or loss, I like to think that I give off the right vibes and say the right things ('I am sorry to hear that.' AND STOP. JUST STOP!) And I don't deny Serenity.
Those chiding "When will you give little Beanie a brother or sister?" are often answered with, "She has a big sister who died in 2008," cue demure, downcast look (And the 'Shut the F up' in my head) or the "We are only raising one."
I know who we are, where we've been, but we don't know what may be.
In many ways life is mundane, but it is also a tempest.
When I moved, I thought of picking up blogging again, but I wanted to spend time meeting people here. But I still spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer, on FB, reading parenting blogs and Montessori blogs.
I could right a blog about life. Or not.
So inspiring, right?
I was happy to receive so many comments on such an abandoned blog - readers have not abandoned me and are obviously still caught up on their reading. My Google Reader is hopeless. I have too many blogs in there that aren't of interest (quilting?).
I also seem to have lost my voice. Or maybe my focus. I am also not sure how much I want to post about Beanie and her life. It's her life after all. I rarely even post on FB anymore. I know it's a new age, but those are her choices.
I suppose what I lack most in life right now is someone with whom to share deeply. I have acquaintances here, but playdates are not conducive to long, linear talks. And I am not sure how much I want to share with the whole world wide web (or the 20 people that look here).
But I remember that connection I had with you... reading your blogs, reading comments, writing my deepest and ofttimes most compulsive thoughts. Processing. Sharing. Remembering.
I've also developed a bit of an avoidance coping strategy. No new dead baby blogs, because I just can't take it. I'm not proud of it, I feel like I should repay our community and be there for our sisters.
But I have taken from this blogging world knowledge. Knowledge of everything that can and too often does go wrong. And I am more delicate in asking questions and try to avoid making assumptions. At least I hope so.
And I try to keep conversation open. If someone wants to talk to me about infertility or loss, I like to think that I give off the right vibes and say the right things ('I am sorry to hear that.' AND STOP. JUST STOP!) And I don't deny Serenity.
Those chiding "When will you give little Beanie a brother or sister?" are often answered with, "She has a big sister who died in 2008," cue demure, downcast look (And the 'Shut the F up' in my head) or the "We are only raising one."
I know who we are, where we've been, but we don't know what may be.
Sunday 28 October 2012
Risparadol
Anyone know anything about Risparadone and breastfeeding?
Doc said it's safe and i can pump and dump if I wanted but it seemed that I did not NEED to.
It's hard to sleep all night, so I BFd about 4 hours after bedtime dose - i didnt feel too drowsy anymore.
I have to ask my pedicatrician now and will also ask LC.
many thanks in advance
Doc said it's safe and i can pump and dump if I wanted but it seemed that I did not NEED to.
It's hard to sleep all night, so I BFd about 4 hours after bedtime dose - i didnt feel too drowsy anymore.
I have to ask my pedicatrician now and will also ask LC.
many thanks in advance
Wednesday 24 October 2012
2/6/10
What does one do two years to the date of the delivery of your already dead daughter?
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Saturday 20 October 2012
Fess up
Ok, I am going to stop writing that I am going to post more.
Cause then it don't happen.
Sorry! Intent is there, computer time is not.
Wrote a lovely post in my head while laying in bed trying to fall asleep last night. After watching the movie "Passengers".
Promise I'll write it out some day...
Cause then it don't happen.
Sorry! Intent is there, computer time is not.
Wrote a lovely post in my head while laying in bed trying to fall asleep last night. After watching the movie "Passengers".
Promise I'll write it out some day...
Thursday 18 October 2012
Worth 20 words
I was just looking at my most recent FaceBook profile pic.
I look happy.
It's a good look on me.
***
Inside is still a turmoil, at least at one point each day. The grief from missing Serenity, the grief from my hospitalization.
Regrets.
Today, I tried to think of something from over the course of my life that I do NOT regret. Something that I can think that I did right.
I can honestly say I do not regret never having tried drugs. I don't know exactly why I never did. I used to say that I was the one kid that the 'eggs in the frying pan' commercial worked on.
And after seeing how I reacted to the narcotics during Serenity's delivery and the steroids prior to Bea's induction, I'd say its a good thing I never tried drugs. It seems my system is so finely balanced, or perhaps precariously balanced on the edge, that I react quite badly to these types of drugs.
So that's one non-regret stacked up against a litany of regrets that plays on a loop in my head.
I look happy.
It's a good look on me.
***
Inside is still a turmoil, at least at one point each day. The grief from missing Serenity, the grief from my hospitalization.
Regrets.
Today, I tried to think of something from over the course of my life that I do NOT regret. Something that I can think that I did right.
I can honestly say I do not regret never having tried drugs. I don't know exactly why I never did. I used to say that I was the one kid that the 'eggs in the frying pan' commercial worked on.
And after seeing how I reacted to the narcotics during Serenity's delivery and the steroids prior to Bea's induction, I'd say its a good thing I never tried drugs. It seems my system is so finely balanced, or perhaps precariously balanced on the edge, that I react quite badly to these types of drugs.
So that's one non-regret stacked up against a litany of regrets that plays on a loop in my head.
Sunday 14 October 2012
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Wednesday 10 October 2012
Three Years Out
It's three years out. And where do I find myself?
As I was laying next to Bea while she fell asleep, I risked opening my eyes (in case she was still looking at me) to look at her. I tried to superimpose what I can remember of Serenity's face onto Bea's. I know they looked different, but how I can't even think of for myself, let alone put into words.
Serenity's eyebrows were unique, jetting out at the ends, more upwards. They are like someone's in the family, somewhat but not quite. Over the last three years, I have stared at eyebrows in the family.
Serenity didn't have the cheeks that Miss B has had since birth. Her cheeks are actually now a bit more proportional to her head, although they are still her distinguishing feature and receive comments every time we go out. I also have a sense that Serenity's head was bigger, in proportion to the rest of her. Bea has a tiny little, very round head. Serenity's was more oblong.
Serenity had a bigger mouth, but I think the shape was similar. And I guess her nose and ears were much like Bea's too.
As these memories of Serenity's face fade, I can only tell myself that they are sisters, they probably looked more alike than different. Although, with the wide gene pool mix, I am not sure how true that holds. My sister and I look similar to other people (a store clerk thought we were twins during her last visit), but I think we look really different.
When we look at pictures of my paternal grandmother when she was young, we can see that my one cousin and my sister look strikingly similar to the unwrinkled version of my grandmother. I don't think that I look like she did. Will we see my grandmother in Bea?
My grandmother lost a daughter, when she was a toddler, due to diabetes. Although we don't directly correspond much about our grief (I write something about it; she responds with a lament about the weather), I feel like it should have made us closer. I plan to go home this summer for a week. I hope to spend some quiet time with my grandmother. She was never close to us grandkids. Although my sister and I visited her every week. We were to behave at Grandma's. But she is always very well-informed about the family and writes to the grandkids religiously, often without response. Since Serenity and since Bea, I have tried to correspond better with her. Plus, I know her friends and family are dying, and her lifeline of letters is shrinking.
Triple S gets frustrated with how my family is. They talk about the news of the people, but he thinks they don't care, that they care only about gossip. But I know that it is how they show concern. They all know what happens, that so and so is sick, or that one of my dad's cousin's kid is getting bone-marrow transplants. But there won't be a deep emotional discussion about it. But you do get sympathy and get-well cards from my family. I never realized that this was so until I was in a position to receive sympathy cards (with Serenity's death) and get well cards (I'll eventually tell you all what happened after Bea was born).
And birthday cards. My grandmother and my aunt (only living one on that side of the family) have sent me a birthday card through college, and all the moves. This year I will send them birthday cards. I've been unreliable about that in the past. I hope to make them.
And where does Serenity sit in my extended family? What did they say when they heard the news from my father that she had died? I guess my grandmother would have prayed for her. But I will never know her inner thoughts, then or now. My aunts/unlces sent sympathy cards.
Do they give her a thought now, as this day that is not a birthday approaches?
I think about her. I wonder what a three year old would be like in this house. I wonder what she would look like. Maybe in two years I will have an idea, when Bea is three.
However, for the most part, I think this third year is about peace and acceptance. That sounds good, no? But, the word ambivalence comes to mind these last several days. That doesn't sound quite so good. To be ambivalent about your baby's death. It seems that I should have strong negative feelings about it.
She's dead. There's no amount of crying, pining, or cursing that is going to change that. The day that she was delivered is this week. It is a mark in time. We will bake a simple, light cake again this year. I will dust off her shelf of things, which is as neglected as the rest of the dusting around here. I will think of her, intentionally. But, Sunday will probably end up much like any other lazy-around-the-house Sunday. Triple S even said something about some football game.
And I am alright with that. He can spend some hours watching that game. As long as he is chasing Bea for that time instead of me!
I can see the snow falling outside. Each big, fluffy flake is meandering down, caught on a drift, taking its time to join the other snowflakes on the ground, unsure of which one to sidle up to. It's peaceful, because it is light flurries. It's not a blinding, all-encompassing maelstrom.
Not right now.
As I was laying next to Bea while she fell asleep, I risked opening my eyes (in case she was still looking at me) to look at her. I tried to superimpose what I can remember of Serenity's face onto Bea's. I know they looked different, but how I can't even think of for myself, let alone put into words.
Serenity's eyebrows were unique, jetting out at the ends, more upwards. They are like someone's in the family, somewhat but not quite. Over the last three years, I have stared at eyebrows in the family.
Serenity didn't have the cheeks that Miss B has had since birth. Her cheeks are actually now a bit more proportional to her head, although they are still her distinguishing feature and receive comments every time we go out. I also have a sense that Serenity's head was bigger, in proportion to the rest of her. Bea has a tiny little, very round head. Serenity's was more oblong.
Serenity had a bigger mouth, but I think the shape was similar. And I guess her nose and ears were much like Bea's too.
As these memories of Serenity's face fade, I can only tell myself that they are sisters, they probably looked more alike than different. Although, with the wide gene pool mix, I am not sure how true that holds. My sister and I look similar to other people (a store clerk thought we were twins during her last visit), but I think we look really different.
When we look at pictures of my paternal grandmother when she was young, we can see that my one cousin and my sister look strikingly similar to the unwrinkled version of my grandmother. I don't think that I look like she did. Will we see my grandmother in Bea?
My grandmother lost a daughter, when she was a toddler, due to diabetes. Although we don't directly correspond much about our grief (I write something about it; she responds with a lament about the weather), I feel like it should have made us closer. I plan to go home this summer for a week. I hope to spend some quiet time with my grandmother. She was never close to us grandkids. Although my sister and I visited her every week. We were to behave at Grandma's. But she is always very well-informed about the family and writes to the grandkids religiously, often without response. Since Serenity and since Bea, I have tried to correspond better with her. Plus, I know her friends and family are dying, and her lifeline of letters is shrinking.
Triple S gets frustrated with how my family is. They talk about the news of the people, but he thinks they don't care, that they care only about gossip. But I know that it is how they show concern. They all know what happens, that so and so is sick, or that one of my dad's cousin's kid is getting bone-marrow transplants. But there won't be a deep emotional discussion about it. But you do get sympathy and get-well cards from my family. I never realized that this was so until I was in a position to receive sympathy cards (with Serenity's death) and get well cards (I'll eventually tell you all what happened after Bea was born).
And birthday cards. My grandmother and my aunt (only living one on that side of the family) have sent me a birthday card through college, and all the moves. This year I will send them birthday cards. I've been unreliable about that in the past. I hope to make them.
And where does Serenity sit in my extended family? What did they say when they heard the news from my father that she had died? I guess my grandmother would have prayed for her. But I will never know her inner thoughts, then or now. My aunts/unlces sent sympathy cards.
Do they give her a thought now, as this day that is not a birthday approaches?
I think about her. I wonder what a three year old would be like in this house. I wonder what she would look like. Maybe in two years I will have an idea, when Bea is three.
However, for the most part, I think this third year is about peace and acceptance. That sounds good, no? But, the word ambivalence comes to mind these last several days. That doesn't sound quite so good. To be ambivalent about your baby's death. It seems that I should have strong negative feelings about it.
She's dead. There's no amount of crying, pining, or cursing that is going to change that. The day that she was delivered is this week. It is a mark in time. We will bake a simple, light cake again this year. I will dust off her shelf of things, which is as neglected as the rest of the dusting around here. I will think of her, intentionally. But, Sunday will probably end up much like any other lazy-around-the-house Sunday. Triple S even said something about some football game.
And I am alright with that. He can spend some hours watching that game. As long as he is chasing Bea for that time instead of me!
I can see the snow falling outside. Each big, fluffy flake is meandering down, caught on a drift, taking its time to join the other snowflakes on the ground, unsure of which one to sidle up to. It's peaceful, because it is light flurries. It's not a blinding, all-encompassing maelstrom.
Not right now.
Sunday 7 October 2012
huh?
what day is it? what month? still April?
oh.
whoa.
it's been a bit busy here. But everything is going well. Bea is fine and getting even bigger cheeks.
The plan is, I will take a picture of her in her bouncy seat on Thursday, before the end of her third week. In theory, I have a whole 24 hours to accomplish this one task. If the photo is successfully taken, the bonus task is to post it here with an earlier picture in her bouncy seat. HAHAHAHA.
Just remember, there is no promised deadline for the posting of the picture.....
I miss my blog time, that's for sure. I spend a bit more time on FaceBook, so if you really really miss me, find me there!
And if you have some wonderful news, please email me. I have had NO time to read anyone's blogs. I have several people in mind that I hope are pregnant! I think all the babies that I knew about are here.... Hm. Maybe.
oh.
whoa.
it's been a bit busy here. But everything is going well. Bea is fine and getting even bigger cheeks.
The plan is, I will take a picture of her in her bouncy seat on Thursday, before the end of her third week. In theory, I have a whole 24 hours to accomplish this one task. If the photo is successfully taken, the bonus task is to post it here with an earlier picture in her bouncy seat. HAHAHAHA.
Just remember, there is no promised deadline for the posting of the picture.....
I miss my blog time, that's for sure. I spend a bit more time on FaceBook, so if you really really miss me, find me there!
And if you have some wonderful news, please email me. I have had NO time to read anyone's blogs. I have several people in mind that I hope are pregnant! I think all the babies that I knew about are here.... Hm. Maybe.
Thursday 4 October 2012
Pro-Line
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Monday 1 October 2012
Ice, ice everywhere
The ice is finally starting to get under control around here. There are now tire tracks in our street and alley.
Bea's had a playgroup both Monday and today. Another playdate tomorrow. This girl has a busy social schedule. Poor mama can barely keep up.
But, she falls asleep in the car afterwards, and usually sleeps longer than at home, so I can get some editing done. It doesn't hurt that I don't have internet in my car - so I HAVE to edit instead of surf.
Serenity's day passed, there were some tears but it wasn't incapacitating. We read two poems in the park. I lost it on 'I am in the birds that sing', as I always was warmed last winter, while I was pregnant with Bea and approaching Serenity's 2nd birthday, by the birds at my feeder in my office window and as I had taken bird seed as the offering to the ancestors while we burned incense.
Bea is dressed in spring colors today. Think it and it will come, right? She looks so darn cute. She is also diaperless right now. She seems happier. Well, she just has to hold up her 'end' of the bargain and let me know when she has to potty. I've taken every 20 min for two rounds now, and she 'niao niaos'* a little bit. Maybe she is doing better with this EC than I thought!
Over the last, snowed-in week I added many new blogs to my google reader. Stuff on simplifying (both mental and physical), a montessori blog, other parenting blogs. I am running out of ideas here for things to do with Bea. The last month the focus has been social things, like the playgroups. But she is sleeping less now, so I think there is time to add more activities. Plus she is getting stuff more and more. She still likes to crawl and cruise around herself, exploring. At these times, she isn't really interested if I try to get her to 'play' with me. She also doesn't care for book being read or shown to her. But, I still try to read at least one a day. Eventually she'll be in to it. She likes bouncy games and mama-jungle gym and doesn't seem to mind me singing to her. But, mostly it's all about the search for trouble.
*It's the Chinese for urinating, and I didn't want to say peepee and I didn't want anything that she would hear by others and go at the wrong time!
Bea's had a playgroup both Monday and today. Another playdate tomorrow. This girl has a busy social schedule. Poor mama can barely keep up.
But, she falls asleep in the car afterwards, and usually sleeps longer than at home, so I can get some editing done. It doesn't hurt that I don't have internet in my car - so I HAVE to edit instead of surf.
Serenity's day passed, there were some tears but it wasn't incapacitating. We read two poems in the park. I lost it on 'I am in the birds that sing', as I always was warmed last winter, while I was pregnant with Bea and approaching Serenity's 2nd birthday, by the birds at my feeder in my office window and as I had taken bird seed as the offering to the ancestors while we burned incense.
Bea is dressed in spring colors today. Think it and it will come, right? She looks so darn cute. She is also diaperless right now. She seems happier. Well, she just has to hold up her 'end' of the bargain and let me know when she has to potty. I've taken every 20 min for two rounds now, and she 'niao niaos'* a little bit. Maybe she is doing better with this EC than I thought!
Over the last, snowed-in week I added many new blogs to my google reader. Stuff on simplifying (both mental and physical), a montessori blog, other parenting blogs. I am running out of ideas here for things to do with Bea. The last month the focus has been social things, like the playgroups. But she is sleeping less now, so I think there is time to add more activities. Plus she is getting stuff more and more. She still likes to crawl and cruise around herself, exploring. At these times, she isn't really interested if I try to get her to 'play' with me. She also doesn't care for book being read or shown to her. But, I still try to read at least one a day. Eventually she'll be in to it. She likes bouncy games and mama-jungle gym and doesn't seem to mind me singing to her. But, mostly it's all about the search for trouble.
*It's the Chinese for urinating, and I didn't want to say peepee and I didn't want anything that she would hear by others and go at the wrong time!
Thursday 27 September 2012
Paradigm Shift
Well, my dad arrived yesterday afternoon. He's already told me so many things that I *need* to do. But he also fixed a light and light switch. I just have to keep him otherwise occupied, and then bribe him with food.
This morning, when I was going in to nap nurse Bea down, he told me "You need to get her in her crib. It's just going to get worse."
And after that statement, while I was laying in bed with her thinking, I realized the paradigm shift between him and me.
I think it will get better. I think Bea will learn new things. Just because she is not napping well now (hey the world is way too interesting) doesn't mean she will be a terrible sleeper all through life. Or even next week. Or maybe I'll actually learn her cues.
We didn't teach her to make noise, we didn't teach her to smile, we didn't teach her to scoot around. I think children will develop on their own path and that we are there to show them the world, by example mostly, and with gentle guidance when needed. Safety and social norms are important, sleeping in your own crib or being force fed are not. I think she will sleep more/more easily/without me when she is ready.
In the meantime, I just enjoy my new companion. And let her lead the way on her own progress.
This morning, when I was going in to nap nurse Bea down, he told me "You need to get her in her crib. It's just going to get worse."
And after that statement, while I was laying in bed with her thinking, I realized the paradigm shift between him and me.
I think it will get better. I think Bea will learn new things. Just because she is not napping well now (hey the world is way too interesting) doesn't mean she will be a terrible sleeper all through life. Or even next week. Or maybe I'll actually learn her cues.
We didn't teach her to make noise, we didn't teach her to smile, we didn't teach her to scoot around. I think children will develop on their own path and that we are there to show them the world, by example mostly, and with gentle guidance when needed. Safety and social norms are important, sleeping in your own crib or being force fed are not. I think she will sleep more/more easily/without me when she is ready.
In the meantime, I just enjoy my new companion. And let her lead the way on her own progress.
Sunday 23 September 2012
Thursday 20 September 2012
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Monday 17 September 2012
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Friday 14 September 2012
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Tuesday 11 September 2012
Best $50 ever spent
We had an ER call to a lactation consultant Sunday. She came today at 9 am. Everything is now calm here.
When mama is happy, everyone is happy.
Take a class, read a book, but you really need that baby and that lady willing to grab your boob and shove your baby's head into it to understand how this whole thing works.
It takes a village... now we just have to pay for it in our society. Me, product of the advanced 70s, never breastfed, so my mom wouldn't be able to help.... how did we get here as a society?
When mama is happy, everyone is happy.
Take a class, read a book, but you really need that baby and that lady willing to grab your boob and shove your baby's head into it to understand how this whole thing works.
It takes a village... now we just have to pay for it in our society. Me, product of the advanced 70s, never breastfed, so my mom wouldn't be able to help.... how did we get here as a society?
Friday 7 September 2012
Off to the basement...
to unpack the maternity pants. It definitely is faster the next time around...
I am not really 'out' to the volunteers at work yet, but I can't squish beanie any more in my regular khakis, and I don't think I can get away with yoga pants at work like I do at home.
Triple S gets the biggest smile on his face every Thursday when I put the khakis on after a week of not wearing them, and they are tighter. And then I share a small, secret smile with beanie, my growing beanie.
I am not really 'out' to the volunteers at work yet, but I can't squish beanie any more in my regular khakis, and I don't think I can get away with yoga pants at work like I do at home.
Triple S gets the biggest smile on his face every Thursday when I put the khakis on after a week of not wearing them, and they are tighter. And then I share a small, secret smile with beanie, my growing beanie.
Wednesday 5 September 2012
Saturday 1 September 2012
UGH
I lost my wallet yesterday. Before Triple S left for work, I looked through the car, to no avail. So I spent my morning calling where I lost it, figuring out what I needed to take to motor vehicles, getting my cell phone info together, checking my credit cards. I got Bea all bundled up for our 20 degree weather and into the car. Only to find my wallet. In the car.
Since we were already out of the house, I figured we should go somewhere, so we went to a small local grocery store. But Bea fell asleep (something she refused to do just a short 30 min prior, in her bed, warm and snuggly) so we sat in the car for half an hour. If I had brought my laptop I could have worked!
This recent thing of napping in the car is not good for my miles-per-gallon. I always thought it was fortunate that the places I like to go are close to where we live, but now I need some long distance errands! OR everything *everything* needs to be drive-thru.
And now here I am procrastinating from editing a manuscript that has lots of English words in it, but that doesn't read at all like English. I think this one will be billed at top rate!
Since we were already out of the house, I figured we should go somewhere, so we went to a small local grocery store. But Bea fell asleep (something she refused to do just a short 30 min prior, in her bed, warm and snuggly) so we sat in the car for half an hour. If I had brought my laptop I could have worked!
This recent thing of napping in the car is not good for my miles-per-gallon. I always thought it was fortunate that the places I like to go are close to where we live, but now I need some long distance errands! OR everything *everything* needs to be drive-thru.
And now here I am procrastinating from editing a manuscript that has lots of English words in it, but that doesn't read at all like English. I think this one will be billed at top rate!
Wednesday 29 August 2012
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Saturday 25 August 2012
Friday 24 August 2012
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Thursday 23 August 2012
The secret is out?
I think it is becoming apparent to those around me that I am pregnant. A couple of the volunteers the other day were giving me weird looks. I guess it should be obvious, considering it's now five months. It makes me nervous to think about having to talk to all these people about this pregnancy, these people who didn't know me until months after Serenity had died, don't know that I lost a my first daughter, that I had a d&c a week before starting this part-time job. And now, I am afraid, it will be open season on Ya Chun's body, lifestyle, shopping choices etc. I only have a few coworkers, who are mostly kinda in the know, but I have about 20 different voulunteers, many of whom like to over-share. I don't reciprocate the over-sharing tendancies. Let's hope it is a really really busy day with lots of guests coming in asking gardening questions on Thursday!
Yesteday and today my girlie parts are all achy and hurting. I guess my pelvis is rearranging.
Beanie - please stop rearranging mama's furniture please - she kinda needs to be able to walk.
I can't stand up or sit down. I am fine in one place, but not hte transition. Also, now I am walking around like a geisha girl, with tiny little steps trying not to get anything out of place.
I have been feeling Beanie move. Last night she was clunking around int here for a good while. It makes me happy.
The last week I have had a general sense of well-being. It's kinda nice - I forgot what this felt like. I think I was depressed at the onset of the pregnancy - I was like an invalid, between the morning sickness, exhaustion and back pain. The chiropractor is making progress on the back, which helps, and it was actually sunny here for a few days, which really helped. And, Beanie makes me happy, especially now that I can feel her and we had a good ultrasound. And I know that it's a girl. I like knowing, I guess it makes it more real to me.
Well, that was a bit of a ramble - can I blame it on pregnancy brain?
Yesteday and today my girlie parts are all achy and hurting. I guess my pelvis is rearranging.
Beanie - please stop rearranging mama's furniture please - she kinda needs to be able to walk.
I can't stand up or sit down. I am fine in one place, but not hte transition. Also, now I am walking around like a geisha girl, with tiny little steps trying not to get anything out of place.
I have been feeling Beanie move. Last night she was clunking around int here for a good while. It makes me happy.
The last week I have had a general sense of well-being. It's kinda nice - I forgot what this felt like. I think I was depressed at the onset of the pregnancy - I was like an invalid, between the morning sickness, exhaustion and back pain. The chiropractor is making progress on the back, which helps, and it was actually sunny here for a few days, which really helped. And, Beanie makes me happy, especially now that I can feel her and we had a good ultrasound. And I know that it's a girl. I like knowing, I guess it makes it more real to me.
Well, that was a bit of a ramble - can I blame it on pregnancy brain?
Sunday 19 August 2012
De-shtuff
I am about 75% recuperated from my cold. It's been more than two weeks...
My sister is here for her spring break. My ILs arrive tomorrow and my parents on Thursday. We have a big BIG birthday bash planned for Bea on Saturday.
And I have editing work coming out of the woodwork!
For the second half of March, Bea and I will be flying out on three separate trips.
I am tired just thinking about it all!
My sister is here for her spring break. My ILs arrive tomorrow and my parents on Thursday. We have a big BIG birthday bash planned for Bea on Saturday.
And I have editing work coming out of the woodwork!
For the second half of March, Bea and I will be flying out on three separate trips.
I am tired just thinking about it all!
Thursday 16 August 2012
How many kids do you have?
I am raising one daughter.
?
I heard someone say yesterday that he raised three daughters. I think that might be my new answer.
Let them wonder, and possibly ask, about the others. Was I a bad mother, and they were taken away to foster care? Did one die? Maybe they won't even notice the particular phrasing.
?
I heard someone say yesterday that he raised three daughters. I think that might be my new answer.
Let them wonder, and possibly ask, about the others. Was I a bad mother, and they were taken away to foster care? Did one die? Maybe they won't even notice the particular phrasing.
Saturday 11 August 2012
New Year's Eve 2010
Or is it 2011? It's still an evening in 2010, so....
I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I have desires towards self-improvement throughout the year. Do I ever make any progress? I don't know. I do have some projects to start in January, some goals for the next few months, some big unknowns upon the horizon.
***
I'd like to post more here.
~Some of it is writer's block, some of it is legistics with the kiddo and computer time. I could spend more time on the computer, but I think I should play with her, although now she likes to crawl around by herself and get into trouble. Sometimes I feel like I don't have many commenters anymore, although I am not really sure that the number of comments is lower than it usually was. I feel like I used to get 10-12 comments on most posts, now more like 6. So, if you'd like to see more posts - leave more comments! I know that we have all gone through many changes since I started writing and you started reading this blog. I know I don't get to stay caught up as much as I'd like to in reading other blogs. I do *think* of many blog posts.
***
I am working on Beanie's scrapbook. With my sister here I have gotten three pages done so far, hopefully another tonite after dinner. I hope to use the scrapping momentum to work on Serenity's album, which is much harder to do. But I feel like I am regaining my scrapbook groove a bit.
***
I am contemplating doing a daily line, inspired by this page: http://www.herfiveyeardiary.com/ This might help with the lack of blogging too - I can easily jot down a line in a paper book - right?? Right??? Then I can conglomerate lines into a post, right?
***
January has two main projects:
1- get back on the healthy living - moderate the diet and get Beanie reacclimated to going to the tot watch at the Y so I can exercise. By March I'd like to be down another 10-15 pounds (and that is the end goal!).
2- get back to work after a holiday break - I already have one job sitting in my queue!
***
We are going to be *those* parents and plan a big bash for Beanie's 1st birthday. It will probably double as a going away party:
***
This year - big unknowns:
Triple S getting a job, somewhere, sometime this summer, which will lead to a relocation sometime, somewhere. Hopefully with a paid moving package hat includes packing!
Other than that, I want to have a nice 2001. Just nice. It's going to be stressful, with the cross country move and accompanying uprooting. So it won't be peaceful in many ways, but I hope that it is emotionally peaceful.
And I hope that you all have good years too.
I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I have desires towards self-improvement throughout the year. Do I ever make any progress? I don't know. I do have some projects to start in January, some goals for the next few months, some big unknowns upon the horizon.
***
I'd like to post more here.
~Some of it is writer's block, some of it is legistics with the kiddo and computer time. I could spend more time on the computer, but I think I should play with her, although now she likes to crawl around by herself and get into trouble. Sometimes I feel like I don't have many commenters anymore, although I am not really sure that the number of comments is lower than it usually was. I feel like I used to get 10-12 comments on most posts, now more like 6. So, if you'd like to see more posts - leave more comments! I know that we have all gone through many changes since I started writing and you started reading this blog. I know I don't get to stay caught up as much as I'd like to in reading other blogs. I do *think* of many blog posts.
***
I am working on Beanie's scrapbook. With my sister here I have gotten three pages done so far, hopefully another tonite after dinner. I hope to use the scrapping momentum to work on Serenity's album, which is much harder to do. But I feel like I am regaining my scrapbook groove a bit.
***
I am contemplating doing a daily line, inspired by this page: http://www.herfiveyeardiary.com/ This might help with the lack of blogging too - I can easily jot down a line in a paper book - right?? Right??? Then I can conglomerate lines into a post, right?
***
January has two main projects:
1- get back on the healthy living - moderate the diet and get Beanie reacclimated to going to the tot watch at the Y so I can exercise. By March I'd like to be down another 10-15 pounds (and that is the end goal!).
2- get back to work after a holiday break - I already have one job sitting in my queue!
***
We are going to be *those* parents and plan a big bash for Beanie's 1st birthday. It will probably double as a going away party:
***
This year - big unknowns:
Triple S getting a job, somewhere, sometime this summer, which will lead to a relocation sometime, somewhere. Hopefully with a paid moving package hat includes packing!
Other than that, I want to have a nice 2001. Just nice. It's going to be stressful, with the cross country move and accompanying uprooting. So it won't be peaceful in many ways, but I hope that it is emotionally peaceful.
And I hope that you all have good years too.
Thursday 9 August 2012
A book recommendation: "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair"
I found out just how much I miss reading.
I grabbed the very short "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair - My Year of Magical Reading" off the 'new book' library rack as I juggled "How Do Dinosaurs Play with their Dogs," "Atrapados" and a large arm-full of other toddler books. I didn't really know what it was about, but I had seen that it was November's book at our UU. I figured September gave me plenty o' time to get it finished.
This book turned out to be well-timed for me, almost five years out from Serenity's death.
The author lost her adult sister, who was 46. She talks about the three years spent trying to live enough life for two and trying to be the everything for everybody. When she realized that this wasn't working, she returned to her life-long love of reading, which she shared with not only her sister but her whole family.
She interweaves the story of her family, her sister's death, and stories from the 365 books she read in one year. The books was full of wonderfully insightful quotes on grief, resilience, and human nature.
The author reminded me how much I loved reading, the escape, the exploration of your thoughts, the refection of the commonalities between us all.
And I realized that maybe I had not turned to reading books during my intense years of grief, but to reading your words and adding my own to the lexicon of grief. That my journey was validated by reading about your journeys. That my heart was stitched up by your support and by being there to support you. I didn't take a year to sit in a purple chair and read a book a day, but spent countless hours at my computer reading the blogs.
And I could not have found a better way to walk through death's long shadow than with your company. For this - your presence, your openness, your kindnesses - I am grateful.
***
And now, I think these crazy thoughts like reading a book, a, um, week. Yeah, a book or short story a week.
So my aim is to avoid the lighthearted escapism books or SciFi/fantasy that I often read and find good, short fiction, new or old, that is about the human experience. I photocopied Nina Sankovitch's list. I started in the "A's" at the library and picked out a skinny book that had a decent teaser. And we'll see where this goes.
If you are so inclined, pick up a copy of "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair" and join me on another (continuing) journey.
I'd also love to hear your recommendations.
I grabbed the very short "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair - My Year of Magical Reading" off the 'new book' library rack as I juggled "How Do Dinosaurs Play with their Dogs," "Atrapados" and a large arm-full of other toddler books. I didn't really know what it was about, but I had seen that it was November's book at our UU. I figured September gave me plenty o' time to get it finished.
This book turned out to be well-timed for me, almost five years out from Serenity's death.
The author lost her adult sister, who was 46. She talks about the three years spent trying to live enough life for two and trying to be the everything for everybody. When she realized that this wasn't working, she returned to her life-long love of reading, which she shared with not only her sister but her whole family.
She interweaves the story of her family, her sister's death, and stories from the 365 books she read in one year. The books was full of wonderfully insightful quotes on grief, resilience, and human nature.
The author reminded me how much I loved reading, the escape, the exploration of your thoughts, the refection of the commonalities between us all.
And I realized that maybe I had not turned to reading books during my intense years of grief, but to reading your words and adding my own to the lexicon of grief. That my journey was validated by reading about your journeys. That my heart was stitched up by your support and by being there to support you. I didn't take a year to sit in a purple chair and read a book a day, but spent countless hours at my computer reading the blogs.
And I could not have found a better way to walk through death's long shadow than with your company. For this - your presence, your openness, your kindnesses - I am grateful.
***
And now, I think these crazy thoughts like reading a book, a, um, week. Yeah, a book or short story a week.
So my aim is to avoid the lighthearted escapism books or SciFi/fantasy that I often read and find good, short fiction, new or old, that is about the human experience. I photocopied Nina Sankovitch's list. I started in the "A's" at the library and picked out a skinny book that had a decent teaser. And we'll see where this goes.
If you are so inclined, pick up a copy of "Tolstoy and the Purple Chair" and join me on another (continuing) journey.
I'd also love to hear your recommendations.
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