I wish I took the time to be a regular blogger. I could blog about grief, about parenting after, about all the blogs about parenting that I read, about cooking and eating, about gardening, about selling our house and relocating to a land far, far away, about my efforts to reduce our accumulated junk (or about the minimalist blogs that I read), and about parenting little Beanie.
Instead, I feel too busy doing all of these things, and leaving no time for blogging.
And I wonder what my life will be like, once we have uprooted ourselves from this little corner of the world. Will I spend too much time here or on FB with my old neighbors, and not enough time in my new locale, out making real-life friends.
I have aspirations and hopes for our next home. But I really don't know what to expect.
***
Beanie keeps me hopping. She is a very social gal. She smiles at all the strangers out at the store or in a restaurant. She is quite charming, actually. Then she cries the whole drive home and all afternoon, when she needs a nap and just refuses to take one. She finally sleeps when she is soooo exhausted. She is just into life, I guess. Which I can't really complain about, because it is so much better than the alternative.
She says 'Mama' quite clearly, but I think she only means milk by it, not me! When I start to lift up my shirt, she smiles and lets out a little gleeful laugh. Stinker.
She has been 'on the verge' of walking for a couple of months now. She took 5 or so steps between Triple S and I on Saturday (at a Garden center, that's my girl), so I think we can officially say she is walking. Hasn't had a repeat performance yet.
She loves being outside. I am glad for that. She likes to play (or watch) the kids on the block. Too bad we won't be here long enough to see her running around with them.
I've been reading some interesting parenting books, notably Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting" and LLL's "Adventures in Gentle Discipline". I have to rely on books since I have no good example of parenting from, um, my own parents.
I have somehow been sneaking vegetarian raw foods into Triple S' diet. And he likes it. And I have been feeling better. And Bea likes it. And just when fresh strawberries are coming into season, I think she is sensitive to strawberries.
I hate that we are fixing up things around our house in order to sell it. I want to enjoy it!
I wish I could post regularly instead of this meaningless update of randomness.
And Ang, I owe you a video chat!
Monday 29 April 2013
Saturday 27 April 2013
The Dursley's, feminism, and post-consumer bloat
We've taken Beanie to JC Penney's for portraits at 6 and 9 months. We order an 8 x 10 from each session. A few weeks ago I put the last one in a frame, and it is sitting on the very top of our entertainment center.
And I feel like the Dursley's. A big, zoomed-in portrait of our precious child, beaming out and placed front-and-center like the most important and only child ever to grace this planet.
I feel like I am bragging and flaunting. I fear bringing the evil eye to our home.
She's been in bed since about 6:30, not even five hours. I find myself looking up at the picture, and being warmed inside.
Triple S was sick today, so he is also in bed. I can hear him snoring, alternating with the dog here in the living room.
I cherish this quiet time in the house. It's dark and quiet outside; I feel enclosed in the comfort of my own home. There's no TV, no radio. Just the sounds of my loved ones breathing. I can even see the rise and fall of the cat's torso as he lays curled up on the radiator.
And I have space. Space to think, to feel, to ponder. To hope, dream and worry. If I go to bed, I'd fall asleep, without exploring my inner world.
My life has changed over the last few years. Almost to a point that is incomprehensible and unrecognizable. A paradigm shift. Everything that I spend my time on now is different than in 2007, when I was pregnant.
My SIL and I briefly spoke of feminism recently. I believe that in some ways, the opening of the workplace to women has put a tremendous burden upon us.
Oh, I hear squeaks coming from the bedroom. I'll have to finish these thoughts later!
Later:
Now it is bright and snowing. I am still safely ensconced in my house!
Any way, bra burning and women in the workplace.
Now, to be a successful woman and a successful mom, the expectation is out there that you can have a job, raise your kids, have a sparkling clean house, cook for the bake sale. Do it all.
But, if you want a high pressure career, like being an academic scientist, you probably don't want to have kids. I think back to the women 'role models' when I was in grad school. I can easily recall 4 or 5 women professors, and I think one of them had kids. My own PI, a male, sent his kids back to China to be with their grandparents for a year. Sure, I think it's great to spend time with grandparents and I understand the Chinese tradition of the kids being raised by the older generation, but I know a certain someone who was glad to have the kids off his hands so he could work from 8 to 11. And I don't mean 11 am.
So, if you want to be a PI, you have to compete against the people who are willing to 1) not have a family or 2) ship the family off and out of the way.
That was a bit of a digression. Anyway.
So, one thing about women's liberation. I think it has put tremendous pressure on women to do all and be all. And this pressure comes from other women, from thinking that we are keeping up with the Joneses, from ourselves even perhaps.
Since Serenity died, I've learned to be brave and to define my happiness my own way. It was hard to quit my PhD at the time I was quitting. I wasn't happy and I didn't know anyone who was happy with a PhD either. But I didn't like the 'quitting' part. It would have been easier to just stay the course. Not to have to admit that I was wrong in deciding to pursue a PhD.
And now I look back, and wonder if I should have even gone on and got the Master's. Maybe if I had stepped back a step further, I would have gone back to more of what I learned for my bachelor's. Gone back to farming, because that is one thing I think I might want to do with my future once Beanie starts school. Of course, having the MS and having worked at the bench for all those years allows me to do the freelance work that I now do, at a decent wage, at home, around Bea's (and my blogging) schedule.
Returning to feminism, I think there are still issues to work out. Reports tell us that women continue to make less than their male counterparts. We have a laughable maternity leave policy in the US. Breastfeeding is still ostracized and under-supported. Pregnancy is all about glowing and not about real medical issues and treating pregnant women like they have a brain and can handle hearing about the risks to themselves and their babies. I don't know what academic feminists work on, maybe things more esoteric, but these are some of the issues I see down here in the trenches of modern life and motherhood.
I do have to say that I feel like a radical feminist. I am educated, yet I have chosen to stay home with my baby. That's not an easy choice to make, to give up the career identity. (I am glad to have the choice, and that's thanks to women's lib; and everyone else can choose to do whatever they want*) I was thinking about staying at home when pregnant with Serenity. I think I might have taken the plunge once she was born. One of the reasons I never wanted to have kids when I was younger was that I never wanted to rush through work and off to daycare. It's too much like trying to do two things at once for me. And I don't think it would sit well with me having my baby in daycare. I have a friend who has been through four daycare situations in 8 months. I think she is a perfect candidate for staying home, but she is in the middle of getting a degree. But sometimes you can't do it all to your satisfaction. If you were less picky about your science or less picky about how often your kid's diaper gets changed* or lived closer to where you worked, you could do it. But you can't have it all at perfection. Something has to give.
Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a society in which every woman got six years to be pregnant and get the kid to kindergarten and could then re-enter the workforce right where she left off? Or maybe you wouldn't like that? And that's one problem with having A movement. Not everyone agrees on what they want.
Some of the other SAHMs that I meet are punky radicalists too. They're into healthy eating and living and nursing their toddlers and tandem nursing their kids. This is not mainstream folks. Sure, green is a buzz word on many lips, but I don't think everyone really gets it. And it takes time. If you are working full time, you don't have the time to educate yourself. There is so much greenwashing out there. Some of the choices that have gone mainstream are better than what was available just two years ago, but they are kinda half-way.
I would be perfectly happy if Beanie had no plastic toys and no stuffed animals with plastic stuffing (colloquially known as polyester). But family members continue to derail my efforts. I spend hours (HOURS) researching toys and picking out a very few, value-added, educational, non-petrol, non-toxic, non-slave-shop-made toys. Only to have the house filled up with stuff I am not really into. I have an Amazon list people.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, Janis at Ferdinand's Gifts posts about simplifying her life. With this move we have coming up, I think it is an opportunity for us to do the same. I come from a family of packrats, holding onto things for sentimental or 'investment' purposes. From what I have read so far, this is very much not 'minimalist'.
So, this morning, I went to the basement, pulled out my record collection, looked through each sleeve one last time, and bagged them up to take to the record exchange. My record player has been on the fritz for a few years, and I haven't sat in the basement room (it's dark and lonely down there) to listen to records probably since 2006 or 2007. As I was looking at the records, Triple S said, "Those are something you used to truly enjoy. I don't think you should get rid of them. I'll buy you a new turntable when we move." I persevered. I can always buy these songs on ITunes, right? It'll be the same, right? And this way I can finally enter the 21st century and get an IPod!
I am also getting rid of clothes (I have a wardrobe that consists of sizes 6-12). I am getting rid of everything bigger than what fits me RIGHT now, because I never want to where those clothes again. I still want to loose 10-15 more pounds this spring, although I am not getting anywhere on that right now. When we move, I want all my clothes to fit in two plastic tubs (one if we move somewhere without a real winter). Can I do it? Does posting it on my blog make me accountable?
I am also thinking about books. But I don't think I am there yet. Maybe if I plan on getting a Kindle.....
I also plan to unload some furniture and some of the things I got from my Grandmother's house. For instance, she had this rocking chair, I don't know if it was someone's before her or not, but it is an uncomfortable SOB. She never sat in it. I never sit in it. It was in Bea's nursery for about a day, and I just couldn't take it. Then why the heck do I have it? I seem to be able to remember my grandmother without the chair, so I think I'll be just fine if I donate it.
These are some of my personal missions, some of the ideas that I have. Not an essay, maybe not coherent, but definitely stream of conscious.
What do you think about feminism and reproduction? Do you feel like more or less of a feminist with infertility? Infant loss? Or do you think the 'go for a career and delay childbearing' screwed you over?
And, are you an unapologetic consumer? Or a careful steward of both your wallet and your health?
***
*yes, we still have an entertainment center, since we don't yet have a flat screen, HD, LCD TV. Our 12-year-old tiny little TV works just fine.
*If you feel like you really do have a choice. I think that may be part of the point I am trying to make. We don't have perfect choices
*she's using cloth diapers with the cotton right against the skin (no liner) and yep, you really have to change those diapers as soon as the kid wees.
And I feel like the Dursley's. A big, zoomed-in portrait of our precious child, beaming out and placed front-and-center like the most important and only child ever to grace this planet.
I feel like I am bragging and flaunting. I fear bringing the evil eye to our home.
She's been in bed since about 6:30, not even five hours. I find myself looking up at the picture, and being warmed inside.
Triple S was sick today, so he is also in bed. I can hear him snoring, alternating with the dog here in the living room.
I cherish this quiet time in the house. It's dark and quiet outside; I feel enclosed in the comfort of my own home. There's no TV, no radio. Just the sounds of my loved ones breathing. I can even see the rise and fall of the cat's torso as he lays curled up on the radiator.
And I have space. Space to think, to feel, to ponder. To hope, dream and worry. If I go to bed, I'd fall asleep, without exploring my inner world.
My life has changed over the last few years. Almost to a point that is incomprehensible and unrecognizable. A paradigm shift. Everything that I spend my time on now is different than in 2007, when I was pregnant.
My SIL and I briefly spoke of feminism recently. I believe that in some ways, the opening of the workplace to women has put a tremendous burden upon us.
Oh, I hear squeaks coming from the bedroom. I'll have to finish these thoughts later!
Later:
Now it is bright and snowing. I am still safely ensconced in my house!
Any way, bra burning and women in the workplace.
Now, to be a successful woman and a successful mom, the expectation is out there that you can have a job, raise your kids, have a sparkling clean house, cook for the bake sale. Do it all.
But, if you want a high pressure career, like being an academic scientist, you probably don't want to have kids. I think back to the women 'role models' when I was in grad school. I can easily recall 4 or 5 women professors, and I think one of them had kids. My own PI, a male, sent his kids back to China to be with their grandparents for a year. Sure, I think it's great to spend time with grandparents and I understand the Chinese tradition of the kids being raised by the older generation, but I know a certain someone who was glad to have the kids off his hands so he could work from 8 to 11. And I don't mean 11 am.
So, if you want to be a PI, you have to compete against the people who are willing to 1) not have a family or 2) ship the family off and out of the way.
That was a bit of a digression. Anyway.
So, one thing about women's liberation. I think it has put tremendous pressure on women to do all and be all. And this pressure comes from other women, from thinking that we are keeping up with the Joneses, from ourselves even perhaps.
Since Serenity died, I've learned to be brave and to define my happiness my own way. It was hard to quit my PhD at the time I was quitting. I wasn't happy and I didn't know anyone who was happy with a PhD either. But I didn't like the 'quitting' part. It would have been easier to just stay the course. Not to have to admit that I was wrong in deciding to pursue a PhD.
And now I look back, and wonder if I should have even gone on and got the Master's. Maybe if I had stepped back a step further, I would have gone back to more of what I learned for my bachelor's. Gone back to farming, because that is one thing I think I might want to do with my future once Beanie starts school. Of course, having the MS and having worked at the bench for all those years allows me to do the freelance work that I now do, at a decent wage, at home, around Bea's (and my blogging) schedule.
Returning to feminism, I think there are still issues to work out. Reports tell us that women continue to make less than their male counterparts. We have a laughable maternity leave policy in the US. Breastfeeding is still ostracized and under-supported. Pregnancy is all about glowing and not about real medical issues and treating pregnant women like they have a brain and can handle hearing about the risks to themselves and their babies. I don't know what academic feminists work on, maybe things more esoteric, but these are some of the issues I see down here in the trenches of modern life and motherhood.
I do have to say that I feel like a radical feminist. I am educated, yet I have chosen to stay home with my baby. That's not an easy choice to make, to give up the career identity. (I am glad to have the choice, and that's thanks to women's lib; and everyone else can choose to do whatever they want*) I was thinking about staying at home when pregnant with Serenity. I think I might have taken the plunge once she was born. One of the reasons I never wanted to have kids when I was younger was that I never wanted to rush through work and off to daycare. It's too much like trying to do two things at once for me. And I don't think it would sit well with me having my baby in daycare. I have a friend who has been through four daycare situations in 8 months. I think she is a perfect candidate for staying home, but she is in the middle of getting a degree. But sometimes you can't do it all to your satisfaction. If you were less picky about your science or less picky about how often your kid's diaper gets changed* or lived closer to where you worked, you could do it. But you can't have it all at perfection. Something has to give.
Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a society in which every woman got six years to be pregnant and get the kid to kindergarten and could then re-enter the workforce right where she left off? Or maybe you wouldn't like that? And that's one problem with having A movement. Not everyone agrees on what they want.
Some of the other SAHMs that I meet are punky radicalists too. They're into healthy eating and living and nursing their toddlers and tandem nursing their kids. This is not mainstream folks. Sure, green is a buzz word on many lips, but I don't think everyone really gets it. And it takes time. If you are working full time, you don't have the time to educate yourself. There is so much greenwashing out there. Some of the choices that have gone mainstream are better than what was available just two years ago, but they are kinda half-way.
I would be perfectly happy if Beanie had no plastic toys and no stuffed animals with plastic stuffing (colloquially known as polyester). But family members continue to derail my efforts. I spend hours (HOURS) researching toys and picking out a very few, value-added, educational, non-petrol, non-toxic, non-slave-shop-made toys. Only to have the house filled up with stuff I am not really into. I have an Amazon list people.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, Janis at Ferdinand's Gifts posts about simplifying her life. With this move we have coming up, I think it is an opportunity for us to do the same. I come from a family of packrats, holding onto things for sentimental or 'investment' purposes. From what I have read so far, this is very much not 'minimalist'.
So, this morning, I went to the basement, pulled out my record collection, looked through each sleeve one last time, and bagged them up to take to the record exchange. My record player has been on the fritz for a few years, and I haven't sat in the basement room (it's dark and lonely down there) to listen to records probably since 2006 or 2007. As I was looking at the records, Triple S said, "Those are something you used to truly enjoy. I don't think you should get rid of them. I'll buy you a new turntable when we move." I persevered. I can always buy these songs on ITunes, right? It'll be the same, right? And this way I can finally enter the 21st century and get an IPod!
I am also getting rid of clothes (I have a wardrobe that consists of sizes 6-12). I am getting rid of everything bigger than what fits me RIGHT now, because I never want to where those clothes again. I still want to loose 10-15 more pounds this spring, although I am not getting anywhere on that right now. When we move, I want all my clothes to fit in two plastic tubs (one if we move somewhere without a real winter). Can I do it? Does posting it on my blog make me accountable?
I am also thinking about books. But I don't think I am there yet. Maybe if I plan on getting a Kindle.....
I also plan to unload some furniture and some of the things I got from my Grandmother's house. For instance, she had this rocking chair, I don't know if it was someone's before her or not, but it is an uncomfortable SOB. She never sat in it. I never sit in it. It was in Bea's nursery for about a day, and I just couldn't take it. Then why the heck do I have it? I seem to be able to remember my grandmother without the chair, so I think I'll be just fine if I donate it.
These are some of my personal missions, some of the ideas that I have. Not an essay, maybe not coherent, but definitely stream of conscious.
What do you think about feminism and reproduction? Do you feel like more or less of a feminist with infertility? Infant loss? Or do you think the 'go for a career and delay childbearing' screwed you over?
And, are you an unapologetic consumer? Or a careful steward of both your wallet and your health?
***
*yes, we still have an entertainment center, since we don't yet have a flat screen, HD, LCD TV. Our 12-year-old tiny little TV works just fine.
*If you feel like you really do have a choice. I think that may be part of the point I am trying to make. We don't have perfect choices
*she's using cloth diapers with the cotton right against the skin (no liner) and yep, you really have to change those diapers as soon as the kid wees.
Thursday 25 April 2013
Motorola
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Tuesday 23 April 2013
Still here
I am here. Very behind on google reader and reading your posts. I have been exhausted. Bone achingly so. Yesterday I tracked my iron intake, and I think I am not getting enough, so last night I took some iron supplement. I also switch my prenatals to the evening so I don't feel so crappy until mid-afternoon.
Today I don't feel so exhausted, but I did lose my breakfast. Ugh.
I don't know if it is the anxiety that is making me so tired. I know it doesn't help anything to feel worried, but knowing that doesn't help the feeling worried part.
Maybe I will feel better if everything is still ok at next week's appointment. Maybe, Hopefully.
I have some work to do. Maybe this afternoon. Right now, I am feeling like another nap...
Triple S is quite delighted that I feel like crap. He smiles when I tell him I am tired and laughs when I look green in the face. He thinks these are good signs. And he continues to encourage beanie to make me sick. They are ganging up on me already.
Today I don't feel so exhausted, but I did lose my breakfast. Ugh.
I don't know if it is the anxiety that is making me so tired. I know it doesn't help anything to feel worried, but knowing that doesn't help the feeling worried part.
Maybe I will feel better if everything is still ok at next week's appointment. Maybe, Hopefully.
I have some work to do. Maybe this afternoon. Right now, I am feeling like another nap...
Triple S is quite delighted that I feel like crap. He smiles when I tell him I am tired and laughs when I look green in the face. He thinks these are good signs. And he continues to encourage beanie to make me sick. They are ganging up on me already.
Saturday 20 April 2013
Etsy Contenders
Here are some ornament contenders. There's not much out there.
One person that I bought from last year is Bugaboo - she specifically does remembrance ornaments for dead babes.
I like the simplicity of this dove.
Or I could get these two similar ornaments, a butterfly and a baby's first (Sort of in the vein that Ang suggested).
Or maybe these simple frames.
Or maybe this copper butterfly for Serenity.
I'm not really in love with any of them. I am also waiting to see what Hallm3rk and Th1ngs Rememb3red come out with.
I had a hard time last year finding ornaments I liked on Etsy too. It's not a big market I guess.
One person that I bought from last year is Bugaboo - she specifically does remembrance ornaments for dead babes.
I like the simplicity of this dove.
Or I could get these two similar ornaments, a butterfly and a baby's first (Sort of in the vein that Ang suggested).
Or maybe these simple frames.
Or maybe this copper butterfly for Serenity.
I'm not really in love with any of them. I am also waiting to see what Hallm3rk and Th1ngs Rememb3red come out with.
I had a hard time last year finding ornaments I liked on Etsy too. It's not a big market I guess.
Tuesday 16 April 2013
Right Where I Am: Three Years, Three Months
I read Angie's intro, then came here to write before reading her post.
Yesterday, I had been thinking about where I am with my grief. Timely, that Angie.
***
Three years, three months, 19 days after Serenity died, and where am I? Well, I had to count how many months since her three-year 'birthday', so that's different. I don't even note the 'sixth' of the month much anymore.
The pain and the ache are here, deep inside. And hard to express. Not just 'hard to talk about' or 'hard to show others'; but hard to get out for my own examination, experience, expression. Sometimes I feel like I need a good emotional release, a purge, a wallow, yet nothing comes. No body racking sobs, just a long face.
I know that I have accepted 'dead baby mama' as my reality. Very few "I should have a three year old" thoughts in my mind. I can even handle the gaggle of three-year-old girls that live on my block and gang up on my developmental-timeline imaginings. Three three-year-old girls, with one missing. I don't wonder anymore if it is only to my eye that one is missing. I don't need for others to see it. But I do feel that my neighbor and the mother of one of the girls does.
And I can feel love for Serenity's little shadow baby. Born a week after Serenity and also half-Asian/half-Caucasian. She is a sweet and cute girl, with a ready smile, and likes to color. I can hear her from her porch when she comes out and sees Bea and me in our yard, "Mommy, Bea is out, let's go plaaaaay."
And I can play.
Yesterday, I had been thinking about where I am with my grief. Timely, that Angie.
***
Three years, three months, 19 days after Serenity died, and where am I? Well, I had to count how many months since her three-year 'birthday', so that's different. I don't even note the 'sixth' of the month much anymore.
The pain and the ache are here, deep inside. And hard to express. Not just 'hard to talk about' or 'hard to show others'; but hard to get out for my own examination, experience, expression. Sometimes I feel like I need a good emotional release, a purge, a wallow, yet nothing comes. No body racking sobs, just a long face.
I know that I have accepted 'dead baby mama' as my reality. Very few "I should have a three year old" thoughts in my mind. I can even handle the gaggle of three-year-old girls that live on my block and gang up on my developmental-timeline imaginings. Three three-year-old girls, with one missing. I don't wonder anymore if it is only to my eye that one is missing. I don't need for others to see it. But I do feel that my neighbor and the mother of one of the girls does.
And I can feel love for Serenity's little shadow baby. Born a week after Serenity and also half-Asian/half-Caucasian. She is a sweet and cute girl, with a ready smile, and likes to color. I can hear her from her porch when she comes out and sees Bea and me in our yard, "Mommy, Bea is out, let's go plaaaaay."
And I can play.
Sunday 14 April 2013
Incubating
Hm, seems to be time for my monthly post.
I just haven't been on the blogs recently, and that goes doubly for mine. I think of things to write, but don't get to it. I am on the computer, but busy. Researching this or that product, or more likely, my latest worry. I have made an online shopping list of things to buy Beanie once she gets her little buns out here.
Lots of doctors appointments. Those last 3 or 4 days before the two week appts. are tough. Next week we start weeklies and NSTs.
Been busy going to the pool and baking lots of desserts. I hadn't gained any weight for 3 weeks, and at one of the appts. the nurse said something about it, then I started worrying. I couldn't understand how I could finish a whole batch of toll house cookies in less than 5 days and not gain any weight!
At the u/s last week, the bean had gained 1.5 pounds (at 3 lbs 10 oz she is in the 78th growth percentile), but the net gain of the mothering unit was still zero. Guess it's all that pool working out with the seniors.
I am also sewing little bean outfits. A new thing for me. I am a quilter, because quilts are sewn with straight lines. This tiny clothing thing is a different story. I can't wait until beanie is here to model them for you gals! I am being superstitious and not taking photos of empty outfits to show off. I am making mostly summer sundress type things.
Everyone IRL asks if we've got a named picked out, I say yes, and they look like they are waiting for soemthing. Well, it's secret. And they don't know that Triple S and I call her beanie or xiao do zi or habichuelita. Those are our names (well, and of course I share them with you-who-get-it!!!).
Lots of the old ladies at the pool ask me if this is my first, and I tell them no, my first daughter died. I just can't deny her and I really don't want to here all the 'wait until this' that comes with a 'first' pregnancy.
Then, last week on Wed, I am getting into the pool and the one lady says
"Where's your daughter today?" Good thing I was holding onto the hand rail.
"Um, my daughter is dead."
"No." (Um, yeah, are you going to argue with me?)
"I guess you are thinking of the other pregnant lady that often comes in here around this time with her little girl?" (Yes, there is another lady, pregnant, with a daughter somewhere around two. That so is not me, but, in another universe, it could be.)
THEN, on Friday, one of the other ladies asks, pointedly looking at my big ol belly:
"Aren't you the one with all those kids"
Huh?
Now, the lady from Wednesday: "No, no you are thinking of the lady that used to come, last semester."
Apparently no one really pays any attention.
***
Serenity is constantly on my mind, the bean is constantly on my mind. But I don't talk about much to anyone.
I am pretty calm, all things considered. Just living in a place of hope and preparation. Triple S is ready to install the car seat the next day that we get warmish weather. He detailed the back of my car yesterday (not the front, that's 'my' mess and 'beanie won't be up there. I am only cleaning the car for beanie'. Hm, I see where I rank).
We are getting the house cleaned up, since it's been a bit disorganized for the last two years. I cleaned out our bathroom closet, throwing out drugs from 2007. I am working on the taxes.
Basically, just incubating away here.
I just haven't been on the blogs recently, and that goes doubly for mine. I think of things to write, but don't get to it. I am on the computer, but busy. Researching this or that product, or more likely, my latest worry. I have made an online shopping list of things to buy Beanie once she gets her little buns out here.
Lots of doctors appointments. Those last 3 or 4 days before the two week appts. are tough. Next week we start weeklies and NSTs.
Been busy going to the pool and baking lots of desserts. I hadn't gained any weight for 3 weeks, and at one of the appts. the nurse said something about it, then I started worrying. I couldn't understand how I could finish a whole batch of toll house cookies in less than 5 days and not gain any weight!
At the u/s last week, the bean had gained 1.5 pounds (at 3 lbs 10 oz she is in the 78th growth percentile), but the net gain of the mothering unit was still zero. Guess it's all that pool working out with the seniors.
I am also sewing little bean outfits. A new thing for me. I am a quilter, because quilts are sewn with straight lines. This tiny clothing thing is a different story. I can't wait until beanie is here to model them for you gals! I am being superstitious and not taking photos of empty outfits to show off. I am making mostly summer sundress type things.
Everyone IRL asks if we've got a named picked out, I say yes, and they look like they are waiting for soemthing. Well, it's secret. And they don't know that Triple S and I call her beanie or xiao do zi or habichuelita. Those are our names (well, and of course I share them with you-who-get-it!!!).
Lots of the old ladies at the pool ask me if this is my first, and I tell them no, my first daughter died. I just can't deny her and I really don't want to here all the 'wait until this' that comes with a 'first' pregnancy.
Then, last week on Wed, I am getting into the pool and the one lady says
"Where's your daughter today?" Good thing I was holding onto the hand rail.
"Um, my daughter is dead."
"No." (Um, yeah, are you going to argue with me?)
"I guess you are thinking of the other pregnant lady that often comes in here around this time with her little girl?" (Yes, there is another lady, pregnant, with a daughter somewhere around two. That so is not me, but, in another universe, it could be.)
THEN, on Friday, one of the other ladies asks, pointedly looking at my big ol belly:
"Aren't you the one with all those kids"
Huh?
Now, the lady from Wednesday: "No, no you are thinking of the lady that used to come, last semester."
Apparently no one really pays any attention.
***
Serenity is constantly on my mind, the bean is constantly on my mind. But I don't talk about much to anyone.
I am pretty calm, all things considered. Just living in a place of hope and preparation. Triple S is ready to install the car seat the next day that we get warmish weather. He detailed the back of my car yesterday (not the front, that's 'my' mess and 'beanie won't be up there. I am only cleaning the car for beanie'. Hm, I see where I rank).
We are getting the house cleaned up, since it's been a bit disorganized for the last two years. I cleaned out our bathroom closet, throwing out drugs from 2007. I am working on the taxes.
Basically, just incubating away here.
Friday 12 April 2013
La di da di dah
I'm baaack! Ok, I haven't been posting much lately. I do try to keep up with reading the blogs, although I don't always comment.
It's not that I have been in a slump, I just feel very antisocial. I just don't have the energy to explain myself I guess.
For instance, last Saturday was our annual block party. Our house is right int he middle of the block, so basically block party central. Triple S didn't want to go, so we sat inside watching TV in the front room while everyone else was out around the fire it (it was cooold). Our neighbor stopped by before she went in, to give us shit. Well, really, neither of us felt like seeing all the kids running around. It still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does. And, now, I have got a couple facebook posts from some neighbors, so I think they've all found out that I am pregnant again.
In some ways, I wish I could share this pregnancy with others, but I also feel defensive. Everything is not happy-go-lucky. I am stressed and worried. I really thought that 3 week OB appointments was a bit of overkill, but, gad, the last week I have been so worried that beanie is dead. It's crazy. But the sound of that heartbeat yesterday reset me, so I should be good for another two weeks.
I am going to a chiropractor, in an attempt to fix my back again. I was having massive headaches up the neck and back of my head. Good times.
The cat has diarrhea. I was not aware of this as I am not allowed to clean the litter, but Triple S told me it looked bad, so off tot he vet we went on Monday. Of course, they give us pills - to feed to a cat. A cat that has never ever let us do anything to hi (ie clean his ears - his ears have been dirty for 12 years). Like I said, good times.
I have been doing a lot of lounging. Thank goodness for Robert Jordan. I am just about done re-reading the Wheel of Time series (****nerd alert****) in anticipation of the first 1/3 of the final book being released this month. It's kept me company during that first trimester of nausea and dbm grief and anxiety.
We have been trying to take more pictures, to document this pregnancy too. I feel bad. We just haven't taken that many (of course, beanie has lots of u/s pics already!) I think alot of it has to do with my own vanity. I am faaaaat. My tummy is not a cute little pooch. It's kinda flabby and disgusting. So, poor beanie will have few early-pregnancy pics in his album.
As winter approaches, I am thinking to start up a scrap book for beanie. I didn't start on when I was pregnant with Serenity, but I did want to do a 'baby' one for her, so I had an album and papers all ready for all her 'firsts'. After she died (I guess that was a first - and a last) I started an album on her pregnancy. It is still 'started'. I was thinking I could work on them both at the same time. However, I am not sure that is a good idea. What do you think? But, anyway, I want to start beanie's before too long. I've got the table out - that's progress right?
Well, these ramblings are progress. Maybe I will come out of my protective shell. Maybe not. Or, more than likely, just here.
It's not that I have been in a slump, I just feel very antisocial. I just don't have the energy to explain myself I guess.
For instance, last Saturday was our annual block party. Our house is right int he middle of the block, so basically block party central. Triple S didn't want to go, so we sat inside watching TV in the front room while everyone else was out around the fire it (it was cooold). Our neighbor stopped by before she went in, to give us shit. Well, really, neither of us felt like seeing all the kids running around. It still hurts. I wish it didn't, but it does. And, now, I have got a couple facebook posts from some neighbors, so I think they've all found out that I am pregnant again.
In some ways, I wish I could share this pregnancy with others, but I also feel defensive. Everything is not happy-go-lucky. I am stressed and worried. I really thought that 3 week OB appointments was a bit of overkill, but, gad, the last week I have been so worried that beanie is dead. It's crazy. But the sound of that heartbeat yesterday reset me, so I should be good for another two weeks.
I am going to a chiropractor, in an attempt to fix my back again. I was having massive headaches up the neck and back of my head. Good times.
The cat has diarrhea. I was not aware of this as I am not allowed to clean the litter, but Triple S told me it looked bad, so off tot he vet we went on Monday. Of course, they give us pills - to feed to a cat. A cat that has never ever let us do anything to hi (ie clean his ears - his ears have been dirty for 12 years). Like I said, good times.
I have been doing a lot of lounging. Thank goodness for Robert Jordan. I am just about done re-reading the Wheel of Time series (****nerd alert****) in anticipation of the first 1/3 of the final book being released this month. It's kept me company during that first trimester of nausea and dbm grief and anxiety.
We have been trying to take more pictures, to document this pregnancy too. I feel bad. We just haven't taken that many (of course, beanie has lots of u/s pics already!) I think alot of it has to do with my own vanity. I am faaaaat. My tummy is not a cute little pooch. It's kinda flabby and disgusting. So, poor beanie will have few early-pregnancy pics in his album.
As winter approaches, I am thinking to start up a scrap book for beanie. I didn't start on when I was pregnant with Serenity, but I did want to do a 'baby' one for her, so I had an album and papers all ready for all her 'firsts'. After she died (I guess that was a first - and a last) I started an album on her pregnancy. It is still 'started'. I was thinking I could work on them both at the same time. However, I am not sure that is a good idea. What do you think? But, anyway, I want to start beanie's before too long. I've got the table out - that's progress right?
Well, these ramblings are progress. Maybe I will come out of my protective shell. Maybe not. Or, more than likely, just here.
Wednesday 10 April 2013
Monday 8 April 2013
Retail Therapy
Last year, Triple S and I chickened out and skipped the holiday season. We escaped to Mexico and tried to ignore Christmas. It essentially worked, and we found the trip to be restorative and regenerative.
This year, we are here. We went shopping. We bought presents for our sisters and the kids of some friends. Yes, by golly, we even went to toy stores.
People ask us our plans for the holidays. Well, we live here in this big little town all by ourselves. We don't really have any plans. Triple S picked out what he wanted to eat for Christmas Eve dinner; I am working both Thursday and Saturday. We might even go see the new Sherlock Holmes movie (Triple S' favorite fictional character).
Triple S even wanted a tree this year, so out we went on Black Friday and bought an evergreen.
Since we so thoroughly skipped Christmas last year, we didn't have any ornaments for Serenity. I went to Things Remembered online, the only place I could think of that engraves anything, and bought this for 2009:
However, I also really wanted something from Serenity's year of birth. At the same time, I was tooling around on Etsy.
I found this, simple, almost stark, ornament:
from Bugaboo Jewelry and asked her to put a 2008 tag on it. The purple stone is for February.
I also wanted a pea in the pod. I don't know why, I just really like these (I also have a necklace with three 'peas' all picked out on Etsy). I got this ornament:
from CyndesMinis, to recognize all three of the little peas that have been in this pod.
I have also wanted to get a family ring for myself - the object for which I was originally searching on Etsy. I found something simple, and that I can easily add on to, hopefully in March or April 2010:
from BirkaScandinavian. I love the idea of a stacking ring set for a mother's ring (it is NOT like my mother's mother's ring). The red is Triple S' ruby, the purple is Serenity's amethyst, the yellow is my topaz, and the thin blank band is for the miscarriage last fall.
These object make me happy, in a way. There is nothing profound to say about them, but I wanted to share them with you.
I wish you all peace and love this season.
This year, we are here. We went shopping. We bought presents for our sisters and the kids of some friends. Yes, by golly, we even went to toy stores.
People ask us our plans for the holidays. Well, we live here in this big little town all by ourselves. We don't really have any plans. Triple S picked out what he wanted to eat for Christmas Eve dinner; I am working both Thursday and Saturday. We might even go see the new Sherlock Holmes movie (Triple S' favorite fictional character).
Triple S even wanted a tree this year, so out we went on Black Friday and bought an evergreen.
Since we so thoroughly skipped Christmas last year, we didn't have any ornaments for Serenity. I went to Things Remembered online, the only place I could think of that engraves anything, and bought this for 2009:
However, I also really wanted something from Serenity's year of birth. At the same time, I was tooling around on Etsy.
I found this, simple, almost stark, ornament:
from Bugaboo Jewelry and asked her to put a 2008 tag on it. The purple stone is for February.I also wanted a pea in the pod. I don't know why, I just really like these (I also have a necklace with three 'peas' all picked out on Etsy). I got this ornament:
from CyndesMinis, to recognize all three of the little peas that have been in this pod.I have also wanted to get a family ring for myself - the object for which I was originally searching on Etsy. I found something simple, and that I can easily add on to, hopefully in March or April 2010:
from BirkaScandinavian. I love the idea of a stacking ring set for a mother's ring (it is NOT like my mother's mother's ring). The red is Triple S' ruby, the purple is Serenity's amethyst, the yellow is my topaz, and the thin blank band is for the miscarriage last fall.These object make me happy, in a way. There is nothing profound to say about them, but I wanted to share them with you.
I wish you all peace and love this season.
Saturday 6 April 2013
Getting...
Got amnio...
Got acupuncture.
Getting chiro today.
Getting a haircut (where does all this hair come from?).
Getting amnio results - still a bit immature, so
Waiting for two more results.
Getting rescheduled to Thursday am.
NOT getting our crib yet - it is stuck in Chile. I suppose shipping in food and water might be a bit more important. Got two dressers. And they are some how full already, even though all these baby clothes are rather small.
Still got freelance work to do. Why now? Why not in, oh, say, January?
My patience is just fine.
Just waiting. And telling lil' B which way the exit is.
And we can't wait to meet her.
Got acupuncture.
Getting chiro today.
Getting a haircut (where does all this hair come from?).
Getting amnio results - still a bit immature, so
Waiting for two more results.
Getting rescheduled to Thursday am.
NOT getting our crib yet - it is stuck in Chile. I suppose shipping in food and water might be a bit more important. Got two dressers. And they are some how full already, even though all these baby clothes are rather small.
Still got freelance work to do. Why now? Why not in, oh, say, January?
My patience is just fine.
Just waiting. And telling lil' B which way the exit is.
And we can't wait to meet her.
Thursday 4 April 2013
On names and signs
Triple S' cousin* just used 'our boy name' as her son's second name.
I am so bummed.
I think I will take this as a sign that we are done with more kids.
*This is the cousin who's daughter was born ~11 months after Serenity died. I just can't take her half-Asian little girl, I try and try. It's a hang up for me.
I am so bummed.
I think I will take this as a sign that we are done with more kids.
*This is the cousin who's daughter was born ~11 months after Serenity died. I just can't take her half-Asian little girl, I try and try. It's a hang up for me.
Tuesday 2 April 2013
BoW 1: The Violin of Auschwitz by Maria Àngels Anglada
My first Book of the Week* (BOW! KAPOW!) actually ended up being a Book of the Day. I read it in one late evening after the hubby and baby were asleep. I recommend to you 'The Violin of Auschwitz' by Maria Àngels Anglada.
It was a short novel (109 pages) about the building of a violin in the Auschwitz labor camps by a Jewish violin maker from Krakow, Poland. Most of the story is told from the same person's perspective, making it an economically short story. The book is about the journey.
The final turn in the story centers on the questions with which survivors must live out their lives - what happened to loved ones and those they met in the camps: did they make it out alive?
Nightmare questions abound for people who have seen and lived through tragedy. A vast, organized evil thing like Nazi death camps is sweeping**, but each tragedy is still intensely personal, and each person who suffered and lost loved ones must walk their journey their way, and ulitamtely by themselves. A survivor can be surrounded, build a safe life around themselves, but it is their own mind - the memories and the worries - that is a constant companion.
One character in this book does get answers in the end, but I am sure for many answers were never found and all too often those answers were less than satisfactory.
If you do read this book, please ask yourself this question: Would this book be highly acclaimed and as satisfying to you the reader, if the answer in the end were different?
As for my story, I will never know what happened to Serenity. I am not searching for a missing person, so I can say for the most part that there are many questions I don't bother asking anymore. Why? How? It turns out that I'll neither get answers to those questions nor would those answers change anything - she'd still be dead, missing and missed.
*Perhaps from this book you can see what kind of books I am trying to read, books about life. I also hope to cover personal stories (historical fiction or autobiographical personal stories) about each of the wars in the last two centuries.
*to me, also unimaginable and unbelievable, although I do know that it actually happened. It is just unfathomable. Perhaps I should try to meet a survivor before they are all gone.
Thanks for reading.
It was a short novel (109 pages) about the building of a violin in the Auschwitz labor camps by a Jewish violin maker from Krakow, Poland. Most of the story is told from the same person's perspective, making it an economically short story. The book is about the journey.
The final turn in the story centers on the questions with which survivors must live out their lives - what happened to loved ones and those they met in the camps: did they make it out alive?
Nightmare questions abound for people who have seen and lived through tragedy. A vast, organized evil thing like Nazi death camps is sweeping**, but each tragedy is still intensely personal, and each person who suffered and lost loved ones must walk their journey their way, and ulitamtely by themselves. A survivor can be surrounded, build a safe life around themselves, but it is their own mind - the memories and the worries - that is a constant companion.
One character in this book does get answers in the end, but I am sure for many answers were never found and all too often those answers were less than satisfactory.
If you do read this book, please ask yourself this question: Would this book be highly acclaimed and as satisfying to you the reader, if the answer in the end were different?
As for my story, I will never know what happened to Serenity. I am not searching for a missing person, so I can say for the most part that there are many questions I don't bother asking anymore. Why? How? It turns out that I'll neither get answers to those questions nor would those answers change anything - she'd still be dead, missing and missed.
*Perhaps from this book you can see what kind of books I am trying to read, books about life. I also hope to cover personal stories (historical fiction or autobiographical personal stories) about each of the wars in the last two centuries.
*to me, also unimaginable and unbelievable, although I do know that it actually happened. It is just unfathomable. Perhaps I should try to meet a survivor before they are all gone.
Thanks for reading.
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