Anyone know anything about Risparadone and breastfeeding?
Doc said it's safe and i can pump and dump if I wanted but it seemed that I did not NEED to.
It's hard to sleep all night, so I BFd about 4 hours after bedtime dose - i didnt feel too drowsy anymore.
I have to ask my pedicatrician now and will also ask LC.
many thanks in advance
Sunday 28 October 2012
Wednesday 24 October 2012
2/6/10
What does one do two years to the date of the delivery of your already dead daughter?
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Is it really a day different from any other?
The missing is there every day.
Perhaps today the regret that things didn't go differently is more in the forefront.
So far, we've slept in, I skipped work, and we ate breakfast. I am choosing a cake recipe and we will go to the gym.
Where is the wailing and gnashing of teeth?
I have a feeling that no one is going to really acknowledge this day. My MIL already emailed me today and made no mention, and she was the one that I thought would. Therefore, I guess it is only my mind that holds onto these dates.
There will be (ok, is) crying, and aching, and talking to beanie.
Because I can't even imagine what a two-year-old Serenity would look or act like.
Saturday 20 October 2012
Fess up
Ok, I am going to stop writing that I am going to post more.
Cause then it don't happen.
Sorry! Intent is there, computer time is not.
Wrote a lovely post in my head while laying in bed trying to fall asleep last night. After watching the movie "Passengers".
Promise I'll write it out some day...
Cause then it don't happen.
Sorry! Intent is there, computer time is not.
Wrote a lovely post in my head while laying in bed trying to fall asleep last night. After watching the movie "Passengers".
Promise I'll write it out some day...
Thursday 18 October 2012
Worth 20 words
I was just looking at my most recent FaceBook profile pic.
I look happy.
It's a good look on me.
***
Inside is still a turmoil, at least at one point each day. The grief from missing Serenity, the grief from my hospitalization.
Regrets.
Today, I tried to think of something from over the course of my life that I do NOT regret. Something that I can think that I did right.
I can honestly say I do not regret never having tried drugs. I don't know exactly why I never did. I used to say that I was the one kid that the 'eggs in the frying pan' commercial worked on.
And after seeing how I reacted to the narcotics during Serenity's delivery and the steroids prior to Bea's induction, I'd say its a good thing I never tried drugs. It seems my system is so finely balanced, or perhaps precariously balanced on the edge, that I react quite badly to these types of drugs.
So that's one non-regret stacked up against a litany of regrets that plays on a loop in my head.
I look happy.
It's a good look on me.
***
Inside is still a turmoil, at least at one point each day. The grief from missing Serenity, the grief from my hospitalization.
Regrets.
Today, I tried to think of something from over the course of my life that I do NOT regret. Something that I can think that I did right.
I can honestly say I do not regret never having tried drugs. I don't know exactly why I never did. I used to say that I was the one kid that the 'eggs in the frying pan' commercial worked on.
And after seeing how I reacted to the narcotics during Serenity's delivery and the steroids prior to Bea's induction, I'd say its a good thing I never tried drugs. It seems my system is so finely balanced, or perhaps precariously balanced on the edge, that I react quite badly to these types of drugs.
So that's one non-regret stacked up against a litany of regrets that plays on a loop in my head.
Sunday 14 October 2012
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Wednesday 10 October 2012
Three Years Out
It's three years out. And where do I find myself?
As I was laying next to Bea while she fell asleep, I risked opening my eyes (in case she was still looking at me) to look at her. I tried to superimpose what I can remember of Serenity's face onto Bea's. I know they looked different, but how I can't even think of for myself, let alone put into words.
Serenity's eyebrows were unique, jetting out at the ends, more upwards. They are like someone's in the family, somewhat but not quite. Over the last three years, I have stared at eyebrows in the family.
Serenity didn't have the cheeks that Miss B has had since birth. Her cheeks are actually now a bit more proportional to her head, although they are still her distinguishing feature and receive comments every time we go out. I also have a sense that Serenity's head was bigger, in proportion to the rest of her. Bea has a tiny little, very round head. Serenity's was more oblong.
Serenity had a bigger mouth, but I think the shape was similar. And I guess her nose and ears were much like Bea's too.
As these memories of Serenity's face fade, I can only tell myself that they are sisters, they probably looked more alike than different. Although, with the wide gene pool mix, I am not sure how true that holds. My sister and I look similar to other people (a store clerk thought we were twins during her last visit), but I think we look really different.
When we look at pictures of my paternal grandmother when she was young, we can see that my one cousin and my sister look strikingly similar to the unwrinkled version of my grandmother. I don't think that I look like she did. Will we see my grandmother in Bea?
My grandmother lost a daughter, when she was a toddler, due to diabetes. Although we don't directly correspond much about our grief (I write something about it; she responds with a lament about the weather), I feel like it should have made us closer. I plan to go home this summer for a week. I hope to spend some quiet time with my grandmother. She was never close to us grandkids. Although my sister and I visited her every week. We were to behave at Grandma's. But she is always very well-informed about the family and writes to the grandkids religiously, often without response. Since Serenity and since Bea, I have tried to correspond better with her. Plus, I know her friends and family are dying, and her lifeline of letters is shrinking.
Triple S gets frustrated with how my family is. They talk about the news of the people, but he thinks they don't care, that they care only about gossip. But I know that it is how they show concern. They all know what happens, that so and so is sick, or that one of my dad's cousin's kid is getting bone-marrow transplants. But there won't be a deep emotional discussion about it. But you do get sympathy and get-well cards from my family. I never realized that this was so until I was in a position to receive sympathy cards (with Serenity's death) and get well cards (I'll eventually tell you all what happened after Bea was born).
And birthday cards. My grandmother and my aunt (only living one on that side of the family) have sent me a birthday card through college, and all the moves. This year I will send them birthday cards. I've been unreliable about that in the past. I hope to make them.
And where does Serenity sit in my extended family? What did they say when they heard the news from my father that she had died? I guess my grandmother would have prayed for her. But I will never know her inner thoughts, then or now. My aunts/unlces sent sympathy cards.
Do they give her a thought now, as this day that is not a birthday approaches?
I think about her. I wonder what a three year old would be like in this house. I wonder what she would look like. Maybe in two years I will have an idea, when Bea is three.
However, for the most part, I think this third year is about peace and acceptance. That sounds good, no? But, the word ambivalence comes to mind these last several days. That doesn't sound quite so good. To be ambivalent about your baby's death. It seems that I should have strong negative feelings about it.
She's dead. There's no amount of crying, pining, or cursing that is going to change that. The day that she was delivered is this week. It is a mark in time. We will bake a simple, light cake again this year. I will dust off her shelf of things, which is as neglected as the rest of the dusting around here. I will think of her, intentionally. But, Sunday will probably end up much like any other lazy-around-the-house Sunday. Triple S even said something about some football game.
And I am alright with that. He can spend some hours watching that game. As long as he is chasing Bea for that time instead of me!
I can see the snow falling outside. Each big, fluffy flake is meandering down, caught on a drift, taking its time to join the other snowflakes on the ground, unsure of which one to sidle up to. It's peaceful, because it is light flurries. It's not a blinding, all-encompassing maelstrom.
Not right now.
As I was laying next to Bea while she fell asleep, I risked opening my eyes (in case she was still looking at me) to look at her. I tried to superimpose what I can remember of Serenity's face onto Bea's. I know they looked different, but how I can't even think of for myself, let alone put into words.
Serenity's eyebrows were unique, jetting out at the ends, more upwards. They are like someone's in the family, somewhat but not quite. Over the last three years, I have stared at eyebrows in the family.
Serenity didn't have the cheeks that Miss B has had since birth. Her cheeks are actually now a bit more proportional to her head, although they are still her distinguishing feature and receive comments every time we go out. I also have a sense that Serenity's head was bigger, in proportion to the rest of her. Bea has a tiny little, very round head. Serenity's was more oblong.
Serenity had a bigger mouth, but I think the shape was similar. And I guess her nose and ears were much like Bea's too.
As these memories of Serenity's face fade, I can only tell myself that they are sisters, they probably looked more alike than different. Although, with the wide gene pool mix, I am not sure how true that holds. My sister and I look similar to other people (a store clerk thought we were twins during her last visit), but I think we look really different.
When we look at pictures of my paternal grandmother when she was young, we can see that my one cousin and my sister look strikingly similar to the unwrinkled version of my grandmother. I don't think that I look like she did. Will we see my grandmother in Bea?
My grandmother lost a daughter, when she was a toddler, due to diabetes. Although we don't directly correspond much about our grief (I write something about it; she responds with a lament about the weather), I feel like it should have made us closer. I plan to go home this summer for a week. I hope to spend some quiet time with my grandmother. She was never close to us grandkids. Although my sister and I visited her every week. We were to behave at Grandma's. But she is always very well-informed about the family and writes to the grandkids religiously, often without response. Since Serenity and since Bea, I have tried to correspond better with her. Plus, I know her friends and family are dying, and her lifeline of letters is shrinking.
Triple S gets frustrated with how my family is. They talk about the news of the people, but he thinks they don't care, that they care only about gossip. But I know that it is how they show concern. They all know what happens, that so and so is sick, or that one of my dad's cousin's kid is getting bone-marrow transplants. But there won't be a deep emotional discussion about it. But you do get sympathy and get-well cards from my family. I never realized that this was so until I was in a position to receive sympathy cards (with Serenity's death) and get well cards (I'll eventually tell you all what happened after Bea was born).
And birthday cards. My grandmother and my aunt (only living one on that side of the family) have sent me a birthday card through college, and all the moves. This year I will send them birthday cards. I've been unreliable about that in the past. I hope to make them.
And where does Serenity sit in my extended family? What did they say when they heard the news from my father that she had died? I guess my grandmother would have prayed for her. But I will never know her inner thoughts, then or now. My aunts/unlces sent sympathy cards.
Do they give her a thought now, as this day that is not a birthday approaches?
I think about her. I wonder what a three year old would be like in this house. I wonder what she would look like. Maybe in two years I will have an idea, when Bea is three.
However, for the most part, I think this third year is about peace and acceptance. That sounds good, no? But, the word ambivalence comes to mind these last several days. That doesn't sound quite so good. To be ambivalent about your baby's death. It seems that I should have strong negative feelings about it.
She's dead. There's no amount of crying, pining, or cursing that is going to change that. The day that she was delivered is this week. It is a mark in time. We will bake a simple, light cake again this year. I will dust off her shelf of things, which is as neglected as the rest of the dusting around here. I will think of her, intentionally. But, Sunday will probably end up much like any other lazy-around-the-house Sunday. Triple S even said something about some football game.
And I am alright with that. He can spend some hours watching that game. As long as he is chasing Bea for that time instead of me!
I can see the snow falling outside. Each big, fluffy flake is meandering down, caught on a drift, taking its time to join the other snowflakes on the ground, unsure of which one to sidle up to. It's peaceful, because it is light flurries. It's not a blinding, all-encompassing maelstrom.
Not right now.
Sunday 7 October 2012
huh?
what day is it? what month? still April?
oh.
whoa.
it's been a bit busy here. But everything is going well. Bea is fine and getting even bigger cheeks.
The plan is, I will take a picture of her in her bouncy seat on Thursday, before the end of her third week. In theory, I have a whole 24 hours to accomplish this one task. If the photo is successfully taken, the bonus task is to post it here with an earlier picture in her bouncy seat. HAHAHAHA.
Just remember, there is no promised deadline for the posting of the picture.....
I miss my blog time, that's for sure. I spend a bit more time on FaceBook, so if you really really miss me, find me there!
And if you have some wonderful news, please email me. I have had NO time to read anyone's blogs. I have several people in mind that I hope are pregnant! I think all the babies that I knew about are here.... Hm. Maybe.
oh.
whoa.
it's been a bit busy here. But everything is going well. Bea is fine and getting even bigger cheeks.
The plan is, I will take a picture of her in her bouncy seat on Thursday, before the end of her third week. In theory, I have a whole 24 hours to accomplish this one task. If the photo is successfully taken, the bonus task is to post it here with an earlier picture in her bouncy seat. HAHAHAHA.
Just remember, there is no promised deadline for the posting of the picture.....
I miss my blog time, that's for sure. I spend a bit more time on FaceBook, so if you really really miss me, find me there!
And if you have some wonderful news, please email me. I have had NO time to read anyone's blogs. I have several people in mind that I hope are pregnant! I think all the babies that I knew about are here.... Hm. Maybe.
Thursday 4 October 2012
Pro-Line
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Monday 1 October 2012
Ice, ice everywhere
The ice is finally starting to get under control around here. There are now tire tracks in our street and alley.
Bea's had a playgroup both Monday and today. Another playdate tomorrow. This girl has a busy social schedule. Poor mama can barely keep up.
But, she falls asleep in the car afterwards, and usually sleeps longer than at home, so I can get some editing done. It doesn't hurt that I don't have internet in my car - so I HAVE to edit instead of surf.
Serenity's day passed, there were some tears but it wasn't incapacitating. We read two poems in the park. I lost it on 'I am in the birds that sing', as I always was warmed last winter, while I was pregnant with Bea and approaching Serenity's 2nd birthday, by the birds at my feeder in my office window and as I had taken bird seed as the offering to the ancestors while we burned incense.
Bea is dressed in spring colors today. Think it and it will come, right? She looks so darn cute. She is also diaperless right now. She seems happier. Well, she just has to hold up her 'end' of the bargain and let me know when she has to potty. I've taken every 20 min for two rounds now, and she 'niao niaos'* a little bit. Maybe she is doing better with this EC than I thought!
Over the last, snowed-in week I added many new blogs to my google reader. Stuff on simplifying (both mental and physical), a montessori blog, other parenting blogs. I am running out of ideas here for things to do with Bea. The last month the focus has been social things, like the playgroups. But she is sleeping less now, so I think there is time to add more activities. Plus she is getting stuff more and more. She still likes to crawl and cruise around herself, exploring. At these times, she isn't really interested if I try to get her to 'play' with me. She also doesn't care for book being read or shown to her. But, I still try to read at least one a day. Eventually she'll be in to it. She likes bouncy games and mama-jungle gym and doesn't seem to mind me singing to her. But, mostly it's all about the search for trouble.
*It's the Chinese for urinating, and I didn't want to say peepee and I didn't want anything that she would hear by others and go at the wrong time!
Bea's had a playgroup both Monday and today. Another playdate tomorrow. This girl has a busy social schedule. Poor mama can barely keep up.
But, she falls asleep in the car afterwards, and usually sleeps longer than at home, so I can get some editing done. It doesn't hurt that I don't have internet in my car - so I HAVE to edit instead of surf.
Serenity's day passed, there were some tears but it wasn't incapacitating. We read two poems in the park. I lost it on 'I am in the birds that sing', as I always was warmed last winter, while I was pregnant with Bea and approaching Serenity's 2nd birthday, by the birds at my feeder in my office window and as I had taken bird seed as the offering to the ancestors while we burned incense.
Bea is dressed in spring colors today. Think it and it will come, right? She looks so darn cute. She is also diaperless right now. She seems happier. Well, she just has to hold up her 'end' of the bargain and let me know when she has to potty. I've taken every 20 min for two rounds now, and she 'niao niaos'* a little bit. Maybe she is doing better with this EC than I thought!
Over the last, snowed-in week I added many new blogs to my google reader. Stuff on simplifying (both mental and physical), a montessori blog, other parenting blogs. I am running out of ideas here for things to do with Bea. The last month the focus has been social things, like the playgroups. But she is sleeping less now, so I think there is time to add more activities. Plus she is getting stuff more and more. She still likes to crawl and cruise around herself, exploring. At these times, she isn't really interested if I try to get her to 'play' with me. She also doesn't care for book being read or shown to her. But, I still try to read at least one a day. Eventually she'll be in to it. She likes bouncy games and mama-jungle gym and doesn't seem to mind me singing to her. But, mostly it's all about the search for trouble.
*It's the Chinese for urinating, and I didn't want to say peepee and I didn't want anything that she would hear by others and go at the wrong time!
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