I am back home

I got discharged from the hospital yesterday (yipee) and reunited with my baby.

Bea wasn't allowed to visit cause of germs at the hospital. Which was a good precaution, because the entire division staff was passing around a 24-h stomach flu. I was the paranoid lady with wet wipes. But not sick!!

Hopitla was traumatic experience all the way around. Maybe will tell you all about it later, but probably just let that water flow under the bridge becuase I have much more iportant things to do and think about.

I dont think I told ya'll that we had four days of steriods (dexamethasone) to help mature B's lungs pre-induction (and moved inducation back one day). Turns out, moms can react to the steroids ONE WEEK later, seemingly out of the blue. This appears to be what happened to me - I had an emotional and mental reaction to hte combination of the steroids before birth and the lack of sleep. The hospital fixed me all up and npw I have one medication to take for a few months.

My friend did a search of pubmed (god, i love having scientist friends, and being a scientist myself) and found some literature on this phenom. So, if someone needs to take steroids, email me at that time and I will forward the paper(s) (dont have them yet).

The hospital was unable to get me a breast pump for a few days (wrong ward - lots of confusion; no one's fault), so breastfeeding is a bit mixed up right now. Plus, I want to wait at leat 4 hours after taking my sleeping pill to feed. My mom is doing two-three feedings with formula. Right now they are both dozing on the couch. I apprecaite the quiet time beacuse I really needed to write here in my space and know that my dbms are out there in the interents. I am feeling much more relaxed now.

So, what advice on reestablishing BFing? We had only just got the hang of it and my milk was established. Now it is low, but not gone. B is a bit hard on my nipples, let's say that is nipple ocnfusion. I am nursing constatnly now, hopefully that will get milk flowing again.

My old school paretns are driving me crazy. My mom did not BF, but my MIL did - she is my go-to-BF person. But my dad wants to quantitate my breast milk by pumping and then measuring!!! ARGH! He needs a project to get him out of my hair.

ok more later, i have som much i need to get out and express and process. but now, i here some little tiger grunting and must MUST go take a shower.

xo
a

This and That

I just had a 'nursing dream'**. I was an old woman with Alzheimer's. Beatriz walked into the room and I called her Serenity. With a look of resignation, she said yes, after so many times of telling me "No, mom, it's Beatriz". I just broke down and cried, so relieved to finally get to see my Serenity.

***

As I was nursing Beanie, I was thinking about how Serenity's birth is fading from my memory. I never faced my memories of her birth in order to write them here on the blog. But I had written down every detail I could remember shortly after her death. Coming out to the living room after enticing Beanie to sleep, I found the journal. I had started writing down the story from Friday, the day before I think she died. I had stopped writing Wednesday morning, just after the doctor came in, checked me, and told me I could start pushing. So no birth story.

Triple S had also typed up his version. I think his version is more about the actual birth. So maybe we have the whole story between the two of us.

I think I should type up my story and combine it with Triple S', or maybe try to finish my version, which will end up now less detailed. Then I want to print it out. And I want to print out my blog (if anyone knows the easy way to do this from blogger, please let me know). I am going to put everything into a binder then. I know it will forever be on the internet somewhere, but there is nothing quite like paper and ink.

***

Triple S is at a business conference this week. It has given me time to think.

I've never been known for my great memory. Today, I talked with my MIL and she can't remember the details of when Triple S was a baby. I worry that I will forget. I look at Beanie, and close my eyes and try to picture her face in my mind, but honestly, I really can't. I guess I don't have a photographic memory. At least we have pictures of her.

I never studied Serenity's face. This is my second biggest regret. I wish I had looked at her, taken pictures of her, touched and held her more. But as I held her, I could feel the temperature of her body growing cold. It was more than I could withstand. Plus, for some reason, I felt that it must be a rush to get the body autopsied. I feared if we waited, they wouldn't be able to figure out why she died. I later found out that the autopsy defiently did not happen right away. And her death remains unexplained. I squandered the little time we could have had with her.

***

I asked Beanie today why she chose us. Is she a gentle soul, and upon seeing our broken hearts thought that she could take care of us?


**Nursing dream - a dream, maybe a daydream, that occurs while in that drowsy, hormone-induced, snoozy state that accompanies side-lying nursing.