Memory

As I was nursing Beanie to sleep this afternoon, I started thinking back to my pregnancy with her. I can't remember much. I remember going to the chiropractor two times a week and, since I worked at home, wearing yoga pants most of the pregnancy. But those are facts, not feelings. I don't remember what my belly felt like, or what it felt like to carry her. I don't remember the feelings of her kicks.

With Serenity, the pregnancy is all I had. And I remembered and replayed so many of the details of the pregnancy in my mind. But even that seems to be fading too - I can still remember her kicks in the upper left of my stomach.

I guess this is what is 'supposed' to happen. You get so busy with the little babe, and everything changes all the time. You forget the pregnancy, the pain of labor, the difficulties in the early weeks. Otherwise, it's hard to have kids again. And I suppose that is what made Beanie's pregnancy difficult emotionally, that I remembered so much of Serenity's - especially how it went all so terribly wrong.